I have a lot of dreams in life. I wonder how other people live, how they are raised by their family. I always ask myself "What do they have that I don't have?"though most of the times I am the only one who can answer it.
I never really experienced a very grand life, that I can remember. I live a life where I need to be content of only what I have and what I can afford to get. I live a life where I need to lie to be happy.
Pathetic but that is who I am. I feel like nobody care at all. Not my own parents, well except for my Dad. But then most of the time I am trying myself to shut down from any emotional drama. As possible I wanna keep myself far away from people so I don't get disappointed. People can see and can judge that I'm strong and as if I am always okay but I was so far from okay.
I am already suffering from it. It is so suffocating that I am having a hard time breathing. I always get rejected. To anything and everything. I was already in a point where I'm gonna destroy my own life. I had bad relationships and when I say bad as in bad. I was hoping that I can be loved by strangers and that they can give me a feeling of true happiness. I never got it instead I was suffering each and everyday to a point of losing my dignity.
When my Dad died I never got to cry. I was trying but I can't shed any single tear from my eyes. For me, I was happy that he already finished everything here and that he won't feel those feeling that I am feeling. Weeks after he died, was when I realized that I don't have anyone to tap my back and tell me the things that I wanna hear. That I won't see him smile again. I was devastated.
I need someone who will accept me for who I am, someone that can be by my side. It was impossible for me to find someone like that.
