Well, I walked all over the place today. In a desperate attempt to regulate myself. Last night I got a bad email, it’s sad that I was kicked off the REV transcription site. I had only been doing transcription for a week and I was hopeful that this would be a turnaround for me. I really needed it to work out and I didn’t. I feel pretty worthless.
I’m more and more recognizing that a lot of my problems were due to autism, I always could mask well and I didn’t even know that I was doing it. I spent decades in therapy, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and spent decades, trying to figure out work and trying to figure out how to get relationships going. Both romantic and simply friendship.
A lot of people seem to not want anything to do with me And I tried so hard. I still want to have a normal 20 something youth. But I am no we’re close to 20 something now I sometimes feel silly for wanting what I want so much but I guess it is what it is all I can do now is keep looking for more work and hope that I’ll find some thing, otherwise I don’t really know what I’m gonna do.
I kept thinking that if I pushed myself that I would back myself into a corner and put myself in a position where I had to work because in a weird way, I thought that my problems was laziness even though I know that I’m not lazy I’m one of the hardest working people That I encounter that’s a weird sentence. I meet people who work so much less hard and get so much more. They work on themselves barely at all and they have it seems like everything friends relationships just everything. So yeah, I walked around a bunch and tried different things. I ended up spending more money today than I had another couple weeks.
Even though I guess I should go back to being really uptight with money, that job, even though I was barely making anything I was really allowing myself to finally I kind of relax and let myself just do what I wanted to do but now, I guess I can’t anymore. I have to go back to being uptight.
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