EXT. MIAMI BEACH - AFTERNOON
Gracious doctor DI ALEX GODFREY is arguing with gracious navigator MASTER CUTHBERT GREENWAY. ALEX tries to hug CUTHBERT but he shakes him off.
ALEX
Please Cuthbert, don't leave me.
CUTHBERT
I'm sorry Alex, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
ALEX
I am such a person!
CUTHBERT frowns.
CUTHBERT
I'm sorry, Alex. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
CUTHBERT leaves.
ALEX sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, giving author MASTER DAVID GUMP barges in looking flustered.
ALEX
Goodness, David! Is everything okay?
DAVID
I'm afraid not.
ALEX
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
DAVID
It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien kill a bunch of elderly ladies!
ALEX
Defenseless elderly ladies?
DAVID
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
ALEX
Bloomin' heck, David! We've got to do something.
DAVID
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
ALEX
You can start by telling me where this happened.
DAVID
I was...
DAVID fans himself and begins to wheeze.
ALEX
Focus David, focus! Where did it happen?
DAVID
a library! That's right - a library!
ALEX springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
ALEX rushes along the street, followed by DAVID. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. A LIBRARY - SHORTLY AFTER
BARRY MACDONALD a spiteful alien terrorises two elderly ladies.
ALEX, closely followed by DAVID, rushes towards BARRY, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
DAVID
What is is? What's the matter?
ALEX
That's not just any old alien, that's Barry MacDonald!
DAVID
Who's Barry MacDonald?
ALEX
Who's Barry MacDonald? Who's Barry MacDonald? Only the most spiteful alien in the universe!
DAVID
Blinkin' knickers, Alex! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful alien in the universe!
ALEX
You can say that again.
DAVID
Blinkin' knickers, Alex! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful alien in the universe!
ALEX
I'm going to need spoons, lots of spoons.
Barry turns and sees Alex and David. He grins an evil grin.
BARRY
Alex Godfrey, we meet again.
DAVID
You've met?
ALEX
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young ALEX is sitting in a park listening to some flute music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees BARRY. He takes off his headphones.
BARRY
Would you like some jelly tots?
ALEX's eyes light up, but then he studies BARRY more closely, and looks uneasy.
ALEX
I don't know, you look kind of spiteful.
BARRY
Me? No. I'm not spiteful. I'm the least spiteful alien in the world.
ALEX
Wait, you're a alien?
ALEX runs away, screaming.
EXT. A LIBRARY - PRESENT DAY
BARRY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
DAVID
(To ALEX) You ran away?
ALEX
(To DAVID) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
ALEX turns to BARRY.
ALEX
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
ALEX runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
ALEX
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with spoons.
BARRY
I'm not scared of you.
ALEX
You should be.
EXT. A GREASY DINER - LATER THAT DAY
ALEX and DAVID walk around searching for something.
ALEX
I feel sure I left my spoons somewhere around here.
DAVID
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly spoons.
ALEX
You know nothing David Gump.
DAVID
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, BARRY appears, holding a pair of spoons.
BARRY
Looking for something?
DAVID
Crikey, Alex, he's got your spoons.
ALEX
Tell me something I don't already know!
DAVID
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
ALEX
I know that already!
DAVID
I pick my nose and eat it.
BARRY
(appalled) Dude!
While BARRY is looking at DAVID with disgust, ALEX lunges forward and grabs his deadly spoons. He wields them, triumphantly.
ALEX
Prepare to die, you spiteful sprout!
BARRY
No please! All I did was kill a bunch of elderly ladies!
CUTHBERT enters, unseen by any of the others.
ALEX
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Alex Godfrey defender of innocent elderly ladies.
BARRY
Don't hurt me! Please!
ALEX
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these spoons on you right away!
BARRY
Because Alex, I am your father.
ALEX looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
ALEX
No you're not!
BARRY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
BARRY tries to grab the spoons but ALEX dodges out of the way.
ALEX
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, BARRY slumps to the ground.
DAVID
Did he just faint?
ALEX
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly spoons.
ALEX crouches over BARRY's body.
DAVID
Be careful, Alex. It could be a trick.
ALEX
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Barry MacDonald is dead!
ALEX
What?
ALEX
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
DAVID claps his hands.
DAVID
So your spoons did save the day, after all.
CUTHBERT steps forward.
CUTHBERT
Is it true? Did you kill the spiteful alien?
ALEX
Cuthbert how long have you been...?
CUTHBERT puts his arm around ALEX.
CUTHBERT
Long enough.
ALEX
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Barry MacDonald.
CUTHBERT
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
ALEX
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.
CUTHBERT
You are their hero.
The elderly ladies bow to ALEX.
ALEX
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Barry MacDonald will never kill elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
CUTHBERT
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes ALEX a mystical bell
CUTHBERT
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
ALEX
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
ALEX
Well, if you insist.
ALEX takes the bell.
ALEX
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.
ALEX turns to CUTHBERT.
ALEX
Does this mean you want me back?
CUTHBERT
Oh, Alex, of course I want you back!
ALEX smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
ALEX
Well you can't have me.
CUTHBERT
WHAT?
ALEX
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
CUTHBERT
But...
ALEX
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, David.
DAVID grins.
CUTHBERT
But...
DAVID
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
CUTHBERT
Alex?
ALEX
I'm sorry Cuthbert, but I think you should skidaddle.
CUTHBERT leaves.
DAVID turns to ALEX.
DAVID
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
ALEX
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly DAVID stops.
DAVID
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?
THE END