INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - AFTERNOON
Remarkable painter DI CARLA MALKOVICH is arguing with caring housekeeper PROF SALLY KHAN. CARLA tries to hug SALLY but she shakes her off.
CARLA
Please Sally, don't leave me.
SALLY
I'm sorry Carla, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
CARLA
I am such a person!
SALLY frowns.
SALLY
I'm sorry, Carla. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
SALLY leaves.
CARLA sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, optimistic swordsman PROF ALISON RAYMOND barges in looking flustered.
CARLA
Goodness, Alison! Is everything okay?
ALISON
I'm afraid not.
CARLA
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
ALISON
It's ... a mugger ... I saw an evil mugger terrorise a bunch of elderly ladies!
CARLA
Defenseless elderly ladies?
ALISON
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
CARLA
Bloomin' heck, Alison! We've got to do something.
ALISON
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
CARLA
You can start by telling me where this happened.
ALISON
I was...
ALISON fans herself and begins to wheeze.
CARLA
Focus Alison, focus! Where did it happen?
ALISON
Trafalgar Square, London! That's right - Trafalgar Square, London!
CARLA springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
CARLA rushes along the street, followed by ALISON. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
ALBERT COX a creepy mugger terrorises two elderly ladies.
CARLA, closely followed by ALISON, rushes towards ALBERT, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
ALISON
What is is? What's the matter?
CARLA
That's not just any old mugger, that's Albert Cox!
ALISON
Who's Albert Cox?
CARLA
Who's Albert Cox? Who's Albert Cox? Only the most creepy mugger in the universe!
ALISON
Blinkin' knickers, Carla! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most creepy mugger in the universe!
CARLA
You can say that again.
ALISON
Blinkin' knickers, Carla! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most creepy mugger in the universe!
CARLA
I'm going to need rainbows, lots of rainbows.
Albert turns and sees Carla and Alison. He grins an evil grin.
ALBERT
Carla Malkovich, we meet again.
ALISON
You've met?
CARLA
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young CARLA is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees ALBERT. She takes off her headphones.
ALBERT
Would you like some toffees?
CARLA's eyes light up, but then he studies ALBERT more closely, and looks uneasy.
CARLA
I don't know, you look kind of creepy.
ALBERT
Me? No. I'm not creepy. I'm the least creepy mugger in the world.
CARLA
Wait, you're a mugger?
CARLA runs away, screaming.
EXT. TRAFALGAR SQUARE, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
ALBERT
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
ALISON
(To CARLA) You ran away?
CARLA
(To ALISON) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
CARLA turns to ALBERT.
CARLA
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
CARLA runs away.
She turns back and shouts.
CARLA
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with rainbows.
ALBERT
I'm not scared of you.
CARLA
You should be.
INT. SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY
CARLA and ALISON walk around searching for something.
CARLA
I feel sure I left my rainbows somewhere around here.
ALISON
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly rainbows.
CARLA
You know nothing Alison Raymond.
ALISON
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, ALBERT appears, holding a pair of rainbows.
ALBERT
Looking for something?
ALISON
Crikey, Carla, he's got your rainbows.
CARLA
Tell me something I don't already know!
ALISON
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
CARLA
I know that already!
ALISON
I'm afraid of sausages.
ALBERT
(appalled) Dude!
While ALBERT is looking at ALISON with disgust, CARLA lunges forward and grabs her deadly rainbows. He wields them, triumphantly.
CARLA
Prepare to die, you creepy carrot!
ALBERT
No please! All I did was terrorise a bunch of elderly ladies!
SALLY enters, unseen by any of the others.
CARLA
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Carla Malkovich defender of innocent elderly ladies.
ALBERT
Don't hurt me! Please!
CARLA
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these rainbows on you right away!
ALBERT
Because Carla, I am your father.
CARLA looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.
CARLA
No you're not!
ALBERT
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
ALBERT tries to grab the rainbows but CARLA dodges out of the way.
CARLA
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, ALBERT slumps to the ground.
ALISON
Did he just faint?
CARLA
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly rainbows.
CARLA crouches over ALBERT's body.
ALISON
Be careful, Carla. It could be a trick.
CARLA
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Albert Cox is dead!
CARLA
What?
CARLA
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
ALISON claps her hands.
ALISON
So your rainbows did save the day, after all.
SALLY steps forward.
SALLY
Is it true? Did you kill the creepy mugger?
CARLA
Sally how long have you been...?
SALLY puts her arm around CARLA.
SALLY
Long enough.
CARLA
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Albert Cox.
SALLY
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
CARLA
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking relived.
SALLY
You are their hero.
The elderly ladies bow to CARLA.
CARLA
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Albert Cox will never terrorise elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
SALLY
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes CARLA a tinkling ring
SALLY
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
CARLA
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
CARLA
Well, if you insist.
CARLA takes the ring.
CARLA
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and leave.
CARLA turns to SALLY.
CARLA
Does this mean you want me back?
SALLY
Oh, Carla, of course I want you back!
CARLA smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
CARLA
Well you can't have me.
SALLY
WHAT?
CARLA
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a mugger to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
SALLY
But...
CARLA
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Alison.
ALISON grins.
SALLY
But...
ALISON
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
SALLY
Carla?
CARLA
I'm sorry Sally, but I think you should skidaddle.
SALLY leaves.
ALISON turns to CARLA.
ALISON
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
CARLA
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly ALISON stops.
ALISON
When I said I'm afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the mugger don't you?
THE END