´How come someone as nice as you is still single?´ It's the question every single person hates. Almost as bad as friends and family's attempts to pair you up with another cute single.
A relationship is like a fortress. Those who are in it sometimes want to get out. Anyone who is outside wants to get in. At least, that's how an American relationship therapist described marriage a long time ago. Fortunately, these days we have much more choice in how and with whom we share our lives. Spinsters, as single women used to be called, no longer exist. There are happy singles. More than ever. But maybe sometimes you wonder why you don't have a love relationship? After all, that deadly boring colleague does have a partner, and that strange acquaintance has also managed to hook a nice girl. Why don't you succeed in love?
You can't love another unless you love yourself. People who have had a permanent partner for a hundred years like to fence with this wisdom. But there are also a lot of people who don't love themselves at all and have plunged into a relationship because they can't be alone, and who nevertheless have shared joys and sorrows for years. And there are also a lot of people like me who have been alone for a long time and can get along just fine with themselves.
If you're satisfied, you're more likely to run into the right one, couples therapists say. Satisfied people have a greater attraction to others. Something you also see in people who are in love, they suddenly get all the attention. Not because they are in love, but because they are comfortable. Their happy aura acts like a love magnet.
Now the lockdown and corona period has of course not made dating much easier. As a single, there was nowhere to meet your new date, except for endless walks in the park or meeting at home. Eating out together, going to a festival or on holiday, all rituals on the way to a permanent relationship, they were missing for a while.
Being vulnerable
For a deep relationship, you will have to be vulnerable again. Bitterness and mistrust do not help. There are never guarantees in love. Try to trust that – even if you get hurt again – you are strong enough. Maybe that is my problem. I've had a long relationship in the past.. and it broke. After that, it is hard to give trust to people again. Every new person you meet, you try not to get hurt again. But on the other hand, if you don't give it all, you might not be able to build something. Love involves a risk, but an equally great opportunity.
I have a friend. And she tells me all the time that I am too critical in choosing a new partner. But if you're looking for someone to grow old with, isn´t it okay to be critical? Nevertheless, it is good to examine how reasonable your expectations are. For example, the demands of singles sometimes contradict each other: men then look for a woman who is both independent and strong and who can be a little girl; women are looking for a sensitive man with whom they can share the care, but who is also the strong macho.
The older you get, the tighter the market. There are still nice potential partners, but not in such large quantities. So you have less choice. But on the other hand, you only need one.
Dempsey Cappelle has an adventurous soul. He explores the world by hiking, paddling, and climbing mountains. More than often he goes on solo expeditions, but once in a while, he shares the experience with his best friends. He shares his stories on his blog An Adventurers Journal.
