SECTION 1: You Just Got Dumped.
Ahhh, yes. The inevitably universal experience that we all go through at some point after dipping our toes, ever so carefully, into the waters of relationships. Dun dun dun.
If you've been lucky enough to never have yet experienced the painful feeling of rejection, this blog isn't for you, but if I could go back to being naive and fourteen years old again? I would have wanted someone to map out the process for me before it happened. So for those who might one day get dumped, grab your favorite snack and listen carefully. For those who are currently trying to read these words through your veil of tears, pick up your ice cream of choice and settle in because I've got something good for you.
Long story short, I've dealt with my own fair share of heartbreak, and it ain't pretty. Being dumped, lead on, cheated on, etc. etc. essentially puts a grinding halt to our lives. Even if it is only temporary, it can be frustrating to fall behind on other aspects of your life (work, studying, etc.) because you just don't know how to properly deal with the crushing and tumultuous ride. I've gone through just about every phase of dealing with the aftermath, and I've gotten to the point where I somewhat got it figured out. There really is a method to the madness, and I've curated a step-by-step guide, WikiHow style, on how to maximize the healing process and get your sense of self back.
I was inspired to create this guide because my last serious relationship was an absolute mess. I was cheated on, emotionally and verbally abused, and manipulated to the point of no return. My sense of self worth and value was dangerously depleted and by the time we finally broke up, I had no friends to turn to. I had pushed them all away during my relationship, and when push came to shove they were (understandably) nowhere to be found.
Because of this, I had no support system and thus my healing process was seriously delayed. The silver lining of that gruesome experience was that I learned a whole lot about myself, which turned into the desire to help other lost souls who might've had a similar experience as I. To all the rock bottom-ers, fret not. You've got a friend in me. And this awesome, easy-to-follow list that I've spent weeks on to get just right.
I've shared this exact guide with some of my woeful friends in their times of turmoil, and I've gotten nothing but stellar reviews (they may be biased, I guess...) I hope that this reaches those who really need it. You are important, and you are not defined by your pain.
THE END HAS ARRIVED! What the heck do I do now?
Let yourself live out the shock. Cry, scream into a pillow, feel the pain take over. It sucks, I know, but it has to be done. This step is first because it is CRUCIAL to the healing process. If you try to skip this step, you will pay the price down the road. Nobody is exempt from this part. It is also important to remember that this must be done independently. You need to be comfortable with hurting alone; support from friends is necessary but that will be addressed in Step 2. If you launch yourself into leaning on others right away, you will have a harder time coping when you inevitably find yourself alone in your room at night. Another tip: everyone is unique, and this step might last a few days for some but a few weeks or even months for others. This really depends on the type and length of your relationship as well as who you are as a person. Spending longer on Step 1 doesn't make you weaker by any means, so you really gotta force yourself to put in the time and effort if you want to heal properly. Bottom line? You're going to be a mess for a while. Life isn't a chick flick and your healing doesn't end after a single pint of ice cream or a 5-minute scene of sobbing.
Once you’ve run out of tissues and/or started to feel claustrophobic in your own painful space, reach out to your trusted close friends. It could be family members or your go-to’s. Release your burden on them -- not too much of it -- but trust that they’ll be willing to give you a shoulder to lean on. This step is an ideal way of regaining perspective on the situation and having an outlet to vent. It’s extremely therapeutic and it has never failed me, time and time again.
Be smart in choosing which people you vent to in this initial stage of grief. All of your friends are valuable, yes, but certain friends are (simply by nature) better at supporting you in different ways. Go to whoever fits your needs, whether it be a Voice of Reason, a Consoler, or a Tough Lover. You’ll know. Sometimes, depending on which Stage of Grief you’re in, one will be more helpful than the other. It’s science.
Don’t force yourself to be strong. There is no time limit on healing. However, try to get a grip on the fact that the world will not stop turning for you. Do not ignore your regular obligations too much. Skipping a couple of classes or tuning out during a shift at work is expected, but focus on keeping your responsibilities intact. Also avoid spilling all your personal information out in professional settings. Maintain composure. Fake it till you make it, but don’t push your limits.
Friendly reminder to yourself: remember the big picture and know that you’ll be okay because you have to be. The human mind and body are resilient beyond comprehension - we always find a way to survive. But also know that a broken mind needs to be nurtured, and allow yourself to break back down every now and then.
HEALING. IS. NOT. LINEAR. You will hear me say this all the time to the point of redundancy because it is literal science. You can be having the best week and feel like you’ve finally climbed out of the hole. Then something could happen where a memory is triggered (oh my God he/she loved that song! Cue uncontrollable sobbing), or you just get super sad seemingly out of the blue. This is normal - don’t think of it as a failure. You are NOT back at square one. This is just a frustrating part of human nature and once we get hurt it sticks with us. On the bright side, you will learn to live with it and work around the relapses. Soon enough you’ll barely notice it.
In regards to lost love, remind yourself that you will love again! It might be hard to convince yourself of this right away, but it’s also super unrealistic to think this is the end of the world. It’s just the end of the world you had with one person. Ooooh, a little dark, maybe, but I remember my first heartbreak. And my second. And my third. What number am I on…? See? This isn’t to discredit the men that have been in my life or the lessons I learned from them. At one point in my life, each of them have meant more to me than anything else. But time and change are relentless and there are no exceptions. :)
This is just the basic, universal outline. I will update this post with a link to my mini-sections that are curated to certain types of heartbreak. For now, I'm always open to giving advice on specific situations or being a shoulder to lean on! Strangers on the internet can be a great 3rd party to look at issues with fresh eyes, AND you don't have to pay high therapist rates. My credentials include a bachelor's degree in behavioral psychology and, of course, the tried-and-true: I've been there.
Thanks for reading, and don't forget that you are infinitely loved.
