For The Life Of Me

I accepted a challenge to present a post outside of my comfort zone.

For my slideshow,

I chose pictures from my whole life and the sound track is the title track of my 2013 album Don’t Go Slow. I chose this song because the lyrics talk about an entire life’s journey, and the words Don’t Go Slow actually mean something different each time they are used. It was a writing triumph for me, and a tricky song to pen. I hope you enjoy my ‘way outside my comfort zone’ journey.

For an upcoming music gig,

I was asked just today if there was some video footage I could provide from a show I’ve played in the past. I’m performing in the town next to me on February 24th. My answer was, oh sorry I don’t have any handy, I’ll try to dig up some footage from a tv show I performed for. The reality is, I have intentionally not put out video footage of myself because I’m very shy about how I look on camera. I don’t think I’m alone in that as a performer, or as an individual in general.

I don’t want to be here

talking about my weight issues that I have struggled with for a lifetime. I would rather go to the dentist. Twice. Maybe more. But, here I am, talking about my weight. I’m going to share my life in pictures. I was the happiest, most carefree kid. My mother says that I nearly killed her when I was born because my shoulders were nearly full grown as a baby. I made it up to her by falling asleep after I was born for two years, except to eat and get a cuddle. I never cried and I was never difficult. Okay, I cried when I was hungry, but then right back to the serious business of sleeping.

As my mother was paying for her groceries one day, she ran into her father in law who asked her where Michael was. My mother apparently froze with fear with her hand on her mouth and said, oh my God, my baby! Leaving her groceries on the counter, she ran home and got me, dressed me and put me in my stroller, went back to the store, paid for her groceries, back home with me and the groceries, and back to bed for me. I never woke up the entire time. According to her, I made up for all the hell my siblings would put her through. It should be no secret to you that I like to see everyone get along and succeed. Maybe it’s in my DNA, who knows?

Life happened. A lot.And during this life, I neglected my health. I was always a powerhouse of strength. No one really knows why. Just this Christmas past, my older brother got this look in his eye that I recognize well. He’s worked on the railroad his entire life and is a powerful guy. He’s 59 now and I’m 52, and every once in awhile I can see him calculating if this is the year he could take me. He does this thing where he sizes me up a little and tries to figure out if I’ve been playing music and doing office work long enough that perhaps he could win an arm wrestle. I usually chuckle internally and say to myself...wait for it. Sure enough, hey Michael, come on, let’s arm wrestle. He usually goes two to three years between challenges and he felt pretty good because he had just done a fitness challenge and had killed himself in the gym for three months.

While holding him in a neutral position, with the veins popping on his forehead, I asked him if he would like to use two hands, while I sipped my beer. He did. It still didn’t work out for him. He always laughs after and says, well frig, it was worth a try. And then we both laugh and go back to playing chess. I was never the best athlete in school, but I remember in grade 8 taking home a fist full of second place finishes in an inter school track and field event. My weight started to fluctuate as the traumas I endured as a child and young teen started to take their toll. I retreated further inside myself, and my introvert cheered on my extrovert to go and be the best I could be at everything I did.

I was a contractor for many years,

and so I do most trades pretty well like drywall, taping, mudding, tile, fine carpentry, cement etc. I was even a pretty heavy guy as a contractor and fluctuated between about 250 to 295 pounds (130kg or 21 stone). Not entirely light by any measure of any country’s system of weight calculation. I’m only 5’ 10” so it’s a lot even on a large frame. I set these benchmarks for myself that I internally thought I would never go beyond. As long as I never hit 250 I’ll be ok. As long as I hover at 295 and never hit 300 I can live with that. Today I’m 355 pounds. It is a miracle that I am not only alive, but in relatively good health. I can still do all of the work that needs to be done to run a home. I live alone on 6 acres in a house I rent from my doctor. I have a long driveway that needs to be snowblowed and shoveled and etc etc.

I was very active as a child and adult.

I swam, biked, played tennis you name it. From the time I was ten years old I could easily carry a large cement block in each hand for the foundation of our house in Lagoon City, and I bucked and chopped all of our firewood myself for each winter. My physical strength and toughness I come by honestly. At 18 years old I was lost while moose hunting in northern Ontario with no provisions or water. I spent the night in the bush in a pounding rain storm with no shelter. It was the last rain before the first snow of October, so it was cold. By my brother’s calculation I walked 20 miles without a drop of water and exited the bush only 2 miles from his trailer, with only my compass to guide me with the bearing I took before I went into the bush. I only suffered a little hypothermia.

But there is something that you need to know. Something important.

I have been living off the physical interest of previous years’ activity and health. I have been spending it like someone who won the lottery, and foolishly spends the money until it’s completely gone, instead of investing some of it wisely. You see, at some point I stopped investing in myself. I never stopped caring. I always wanted to be in the best physical health I could possibly be. I don’t even know if I could list all of the excuses I use to not be active and reinvest in my well being. At this point it doesn't’ matter.

What I do know

is I need to get out of my comfort zone and do something different than what I have been doing if I want to change things. If I want my shirt size to change, if I want the number on the scale to go down. If I want my waist circumference to go down. These things require change. They demand an investment in myself by my self.

I have tried just about every diet

on the planet, and done the yoyo thing over and over again. There is a terrible price to pay for yoyo weight loss and regain. There is always interest. Your body hates you for trying to kill it, and it will fight back and then increase your base weight to make it tougher and tougher for you to threaten your own body again.

There are three words that I know. Three words that can change my life forever.
They are:

I am enough.

If my body is capable

of walking, and I have no issues with things like thyroid or other medical conditions that prevent me from being healthy and investing in my health, then, I am enough. I don’t need a gym. I don’t need a work out plan. I don’t need a cleanse. I don’t need a multi level marketing weight loss scheme. I am enough. And. You are enough. Walking is the only thing I will be doing for a long time. When I lost and gained all of my childhood weight I was largely oblivious to it. I was either heavier or lighter than I was before. Maybe I ate too much during a winter but then I would lose it all in the summer. No internet, no easy access to knowledge. Just whatever friends and family talked about or Richard Simmons yelled about on TV.

The time for change has come.

At 52 years of age, I am older than any uncle of mine that has ever lived with the exception of one uncle on my biological father’s side. They all died of heart attacks. Their father, my grandfather, passed away while sleeping on the sofa after dinner at a very young age. Even my athletic uncle Phillip, who ran several miles a day, died young. All gone and buried. Maybe my time is running out too. I have no clue. But I do know that I love to travel. I went to the Dominican twice and Cuba once in the last few years. When I went to Cuba I had to use a seatbelt extension for the first time in my life. Something in my heart snapped, and the click of the seatbelt sounded like a heavy, steel prison door clanging shut. I’ve been contemplating how to fix this in my life and get moving.

One of my big boy pants jobs in the fiat world was problem solver. It doesn’t need a grand title. Suffice it to say that I was the last person anyone wanted to see. My job was to show up and make something happen and get things moving in a positive direction. I was essentially a personnel plumber. If shit was stuck, I was your guy.

The easiest example was a 9 ton machine with an extension bucket for a man that could reach about 100 feet. They needed the machine positioned inside a 100 year old church so they could reach high up over the stage area in order to fasten speakers to the walls. The crew was inactive for a week at a cost of several thousand dollars a day. I came in on day 8 and 45 minutes later the machine was in place to everyone’s satisfaction including the union rep, and we were done. I didn’t need anyone’s thanks or admiration because the truth is, you are hated for doing things like that. But I’m not a feelings babysitter in that situation. I am a personnel plumber brought in to unbung an untenable situation and save money for the company.

I was doing this stuff independently but actually got hired full time by the company I solved that one for. I’m not smarter than anyone else. I see things differently, and I love that about everyone I meet. I love to know people and their perspective on things. I learn from everyone and I listen to everyone. When I play for seniors whose memory is not what it once was, and they come up to me three or four times after my show to tell me what a great time they had, I treat them like it’s the first time every time. I would only pray that someone would be that gentle and understanding if it were me and not them.

Because I am a born problem solver,

I always had an internal mantra to never, ever complain about anything without having at least one well thought out, viable solution to my complaint.

So I am starting a new discord

server called The Steem Pound. It is for people who want to live a healthier lifestyle and lose, gain or maintain weight. I will flesh out (don’t) the parameters in the coming days and weeks, but very simply it will be a support community for health, weight loss, cooking and adventure. The entire premise of health is

You Are Enough.

You do not need a trainer,

or a workout plan, a pill or program. You are enough. Everyone is welcome. We are all out in the open and honest about our journey. We are neither doctors nor psychologists. We are a support group there for one another. For those who wish to participate, we will be using some form of real time food and activity app such as Lose It, and sharing our journeys with each other. I will have interviews with knowledgeable individuals, if and when appropriate, and seek to grow our knowledge and skills base. We will talk cooking and recipes, activity ideas and more.

Whether you want to remain anonymous or known, this is the place for you.

There will be public information rooms where people can find solid, well vetted material. The weekly meeting will be for everyone and anyone who is interested in the topic. There will be a separate, members only area for those of us doing food and activity tracking. The general meeting will tentatively be Thursdays at 2PM UTC (9AM EST) for 90 minutes and ending 30 minutes before PYPT with ShadowsPub at 4PM UTC (11AM EST)

For The Life Of Me

I need to change.

You are welcome to join me.

Love, Bug

Don’t Go Slow

Well let me tell you something
There’s some things
Only Mamma’s know
She said if we’re gonna to take that band-aid off
We don’t wanna do it slow
She promised me that it would hurt much less
If I closed my eyes and tried to guess

Prom time came, struttin’ my stuff
One look at her and I wasn’t so tough
Wild and free in the evenin’ sun
She kissed me quick and said let’s go have some fun
And baby don’t go slow
Put it to the floor and don’t go slow

Another piece down the road of life
That fiery girl became my wife
She looked at me with that twinkle in her eye
I tried to talk but I could only sigh
When she said kiss me hard and
Baby, don’t go slow
Kiss me hard and baby don’t go slow

Another ways down that road
After years of carrying life’s load
She hit me with her ring
Said you don't mean a thing
I realized what I had done
When I felt that sting
The thought of losing her dropped me to my knees
I picked her ring up off the floor
Held it up and whispered please baby

All I know is that if
Baby you’re going to go
Please don’t go slow
My heart would break in two
So don’t go slow

Now she’s layin’ there, we’re old and gray
She’s whisperin’, baby you know I’d love to stay
There’s a big ‘ole world out there to see
And it’s okay if you see the rest without me