The worst feeling for me is when you realize, even though you refuse to, that the one person who means the world to you has lost their need of you.
I have to be fair, for the most part it is my fault, but excepting that everything has changed, and would probably never go back to the way it was, is very hard.
I've been involved with someone for about 14 years, of which some were spent apart. We always managed to find a way back. He has been my pillar and strength and I adore him for that. He has been there during my darkest days, when it was even hard for him, and I have been there for his. We have danced through multiple weddings and supported one another through many funerals. We have celebrated births and birthdays and lazy days. He is sweet and caring and my happiness was important to him as is his to me. He was a gentleman. He is a gentleman.
We've grown apart because I did not give enough affection, or maybe even attention. Or maybe I did, but the demand for it was too high for me to reach. It is expected that the person you are with would be in need of something in return. His return on his investment just was not good enough I suppose. I was very happy with mine.
After 14 years feelings have started to fade away, or to be honest, it started long ago, but kept on holding on, and other people have started to enter into our lives, drawing attention. Mainly for him. I refuse to compete for someone's attention. You should never play a game of trying to make someone stay with you just because you don't want to let them go. In the end you're going to have to live up to those promises. Things are not just going to go back to the way it was before because you "won". Now the hard work begins in living up to those expectations you created, and if they are unrealistic, things will turn out worse. The idea of also "persuading" someone to stay with you to me means that they will never be back 100%. There will always be that linger, that wondering of how it would have been if they hadn't returned. I couldn't live with that uncertainty.
My heart breaks, because I know I am supposed to give him his freedom. At this point I don't even know if we are in a relationship and if I should care if he contacts me or not. I'm travelling for work and a big part of me is wanting to give him that space to move on. But I am still wanting him to at least call me and tell me he misses me. I'm not playing hard to get, but I do refrain from contacting him in the hopes that he will contact me. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's not that I'm wanting to play a game, to me that is a measurement of how prominent I still am in his life. If he contacts me, I am relieved because I still figure somewhere, but if he doesn't, I become afraid. Have I been swiped from his mind completely? Has he moved on already? Did I mean that little to him? I begin to think about him with other people, how he's moved on and how happy he is.
I want him to be happy. I want that to be with me but I have had my fair share of a good part of his life. He wants more and I shouldn't stand in the way of that. I cannot give him more. I have tried, but that makes me feel more trapped, giving in to things I wasn't comfortable with. I suppose you can say he over compromised, where I did not compromise at all, or at least, that's what I think he feels. He is not going to be happy with me in the long run if he stayed/stays, and then we will continue to fight, continue to be petty, continue to distrust.
It's just, how do you move on after 14 years? This person was my first love. My first kiss. My biggest support system. Warm, loving, attentive, protective.
How did I manage to fuck that up?!
