I have battled with depression for most of my life. So much so that I'm never the least bit surprised to wake up on any given day wanting to light the world on fire. Yesterday was one of those days, and more often than not, it's music that convinces me to put the matches away. It's amazing how songs that make you think about your problems, can actually help you see them in a different light.
I've always liked Three Days Grace, but their new single "The Mountain" is one that connects with me on a level that allows me to see the waves in my mental state for what they are, and push on to brighter days.
Every day I'm just survivin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
Even when I feel like dyin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
The most mundane situations in life can become overwhelming for someone like me, and all too often, each day feels like a new struggle, like climbing a mountain I'll never reach the peak of. No matter how bad it ever gets though, all I can really do is keep pushing forward. If I lose my footing, and slip up, I always regroup, put my feet back on the ground, and keep climbing.
Another night I'm barely holdin' on
One step away from being dead and gone
Am I alive to die another day?
Is this life that I've been livin' all that's meant for me?
Yesterday was one of those days where everything seems to go wrong, and "the bad thoughts" are much harder to block out. I have no worries that I will ever attempt to end things. I've dealt with those sort of passive thoughts since I was a child, as I've never really "had it easy", and the idea of not having to worry about any of it anymore is both mildly comforting and disturbing at the same time.
Sometimes I feel like I should have done more with my life already. At 30 years old, my list of accomplishments is all but empty. Sometimes I feel like all I'll ever be, is all I've ever been...
Every time I think I'm over it
I wake up in the bottom of it all again
I'm still survivin', keep climbin'
Keep climbin' the mountain
Sometimes, I can fully work through my bullshit, and feel much better about myself. I go to bed, and wake up in the exact same mood I was in the day before, for the same, or no reason at all... I hate my brain, but I'll continue to push forward on days that all I want is to lie down and give up. I'll never reach the top of this mountain unless I just keep moving, no matter how hard that may seem at times.
The higher I go, the harder I fall
So I don't look down, I don't look back at all
And when I wish it all would turn to black
I try to see the light and push the darkness back
I find myself flying high when I actually do seem to accomplish something, and when things are going great, even the smallest setback and send me spiraling. Pulling out of said spiral can be one of the most difficult things I do, but it's all I've got. Sometimes I can tell myself I'm just overreacting, or that things aren't as bad as they seem. I have too much to live for to give up, and my two sons have certainly made it easier to think about the good times that are sure to come.
So if I'm not already too far gone
And if I feel a pulse then I can carry on
When I'm lost and wanna fade away
I tell myself to live, to die another day, yeah
No matter how bad things ever get, If I'm still alive, there's still hope. On days when the stresses of life are just too much to handle, I play songs like this, and know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. No one ever knows what all the next day will bring. It's not always going to be better, but it's also not always going to be worse either, but the potential for any new day to be the beginning of something great is far too enticing to make the choice to never find out.
There is always someone to talk to, even if they're a complete stranger. Music helps me deal with my problems a lot, but getting things off my chest, and getting feedback from people who understand can go a very long way, too. It may not seem like it in the moment, but things will get better. It's always a matter of when, and not if. Please don't sell yourself short, and think that the world will be better off with you gone. Even if you don't believe it in the moment, one of those days you haven't lived yet could be the start of something that could turn your entire life around.
I want to take this opportunity to reach out to everyone reading this. If you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, you can always come talk to me about what's going on. As someone who completely understands the desire to take care of all of life's problems once and for all, I've always had two shoulders available for anyone to cry on. 
