Yesterday, I turned 38.
It was quite an uneventful day but I was drifting in between the reflective aspect to the grateful one for one thing or the other. I balanced joyful tears and acknowledging ones. There are gaps yes but the will to fill them up is brewing too.
The decades have been everything.
They have offered my soul trials of all sorts and drawn diverse reactions from my depths. These depths have then brought out my distinct shades. But... they are also responsible for locking away some of the beautiful versions of me in an attempt to carve my space in the ever unwelcoming society.
At first, all I had to do was play and be obedient. The rules in place indicated that I was in the category of innocently chasing butterflies in the fields before I realized I preferred herding goats or climbing trees.
How can the patriarchal figures in my existence not have issues with my approach to life as a future bride? I was being groomed to one day be a perfect wife and a mother of course but my dominant masculine energy was in the way. I remember trying so hard to fit in their expectations as my inner being fought not to suffocate.
If ageing has its advantages, realizing that I owe no one an explanation over how I choose to live is one of the few ones I celebrate often.
Accepting is something else that I had to integrate within my reborn self later in life. For me, it has always been among the hardest traits to emulate. And I am stubborn as hell so breaking cycles and disengaging routines is quite strenuous.
I have been the last to accept that I am enough. I am yet to accept death as a part of life. It triggers unresolved abandonment and attachment. Probably because my favourite girl's death still feels like so.
I tend to be the last to accept a relationship didn't work or that a bond has been breached. My trust being betrayed changes things but I am also toxic enough to go back to belittling spaces. I have also been known to cling to unhealthy souls in fear of dealing with the agony of commencing healing journeys.
Anxiety won't let me socialize in peace. Cages make more sense to me than the risks involved in the search or the freedom to. I hate opening up. It only gets easier via writing.
In such special cases, I struggle loads to let people in hence it becomes a problem whilst letting them go. I have a hard time accepting compliments too which makes me awkward and complex as I have a skill at dishing them out.
Tides might change. They must.
I can feel age letting light in through my cracks. I can say that I have witnessed growth here. I can proudly say that my understanding of where I am and who I am has seen my pride taking a few benches to the back. This has allowed experiences to mould a better version of myself in return.
I ignore triggers. I remember to breathe even when my inner critic is suggesting otherwise. I embrace the waves that my journey here has come with. I celebrate the wins and every lesson that my time here has crowned me with.
Here is to more moons and memorable trips around the sun.
wambuku w.
