It is past midday and my mind is still trying to dig itself out of an unexplainable grey space. The routine expectations I had for my shell are weighing a lil heavier on these bones and so the waiting laundry has to refill the baskets once again to let my tired body rest.
That never happens but as I let myself let it, I feel the urge to spew a few thoughts.
I am sitting outside. A balcony that connects my bedroom to my limited view of the world and therefore sees more of me even than these words. It is not more than fifteen by three ft but it is where I run to when there's a need to calm myself and let's just say that I find myself here often.
When the night sheds, I get to have the best view of the sunrise but that also means I miss the sunset. The highway behind me can't even brighten my usual nights with its street lights but so many dawns claim my world as I sit here with my endless thoughts.
They may be almost everything that a dark mind can hold but sometimes I also feel like the warmth of the rising sun consumes them. Like when I listen to good music. Or like right now when everything within aligns with the background rhythms of a busy neighborhood.
A barking dog is restricted to a balcony across. A few chirping birds. The humming traffic. The occasional mechanical noise. Synchronous voices of casual laborers -read women. The calm breeze coexists with a bit of sunshine after a rainy morning.
I am obsessing over a few things at the moment like the neurodivergent I am realizing I am. Three are potential start-ups -as higher education is scary expensive here and so is rent- and require capital but so does my need to start a balcony garden.
Honestly, I am still trying to digest the disappointment of trying my hand at farming but the need to numb it and the fact that I truly do love nurturing plants plus my realization that my balcony is big enough to grow my vegetables which are quite expensive I might add I know that turning this space into a garden would be diligently beneficial.
I had wanted it to be a workshop for my wish to slowly furnish my house through DYIs but some green therapy sounds more relaxing and the other balcony -the same size- can suffice. I think the concept has always been there since I gathered more about the benefits of herbs but felt a bit small due to having a farm.
Look who is settling for what she couldn't before, sigh.
That aside.
As I sit here, I can see it consuming the hours I feel like running away from my own house. The bittersweetness of motherhood. The gospel in poetry. Or simply myself. I can see past the research how best to go about it. The planning. The slow requirement of what's needed as the brood can't feast on my passion for supper.
That and the fruition of the other three projects is the daydream I am allowing myself to enjoy this afternoon. The show is blurry but I can see the what quite clearly.
...but then I am as resilient as they come. I have chased after every dream there was and will still run with the wind if that is what it takes to finally say I conquered something just because. I may carry the stain that colors me taking myself down but as the source of the dream, I crave to see it become as I am.
wambuku w.
