What Will You Pay?

As the snows have arrived, I was changing my tires in the underground parking at the local shopping center on my lunch break. In the space of the 30 or so minutes it took, two people came up to me and tried to book in a tire change. While I told them I am just doing my own and gave them both directions to where the actual tire change place is, I asked the second how much they were willing to pay for the service. She just laughed awkwardly and walked away. Neither said sorry for the confusion, nor thank you for the directions. They were young enough to speak English well, old enough to know better.

Such are manners in society today.

And, this isn't really a one off, as I might have mentioned here earlier that at times when picking up takeaway food, it is a struggle because they confuse me with a delivery driver. At times, I have had to call my wife to confirm the order, because they aren't going to take my word for it.

I was talking with a couple colleagues about manners today, and how I think that I might be "too old" for today's culture. They laughed, because they are both obviously older than me, but were also surprised that I am closer to their age than they expected.

That aside, I clarified that what I meant was I am of a generation that didn't grow up on a screen, with smart appliances, with artificial intelligence prompts, with on-demand consumer viewing and consumption, or a host of other solutions to make our lives easier, without considering whether they make our lives better. For me, if you wanted a date, you had to do the work to get one, face to face, with the right words, the right attitude, the right personality - You couldn't web search for the perfect thing to say, or a funny picture to show you are cool.

Yes, I said cool.

All these trendy hipsters, yet I don't meet many of them that are cool, or even interesting. They try of course, but that might be the problem. Many seem to be going out of their way to differentiate themselves in the marketplace, but they aren't considering what their goals are, their audience, or whether what they are doing is aligned with achieving what they want to do. Maybe it is because they have grown where their actions have less consequences, where doing the wrong thing doesn't hurt as much. But, if we are the sum of our actions, if who we are is shaped by what we do, the question is;

What are we doing?

If our individual habits are more positive on average than negative, then we will improve. However, what does this mean for society if it is getting worse on average? Society is made up of the actions of many individuals, it means that on average, *people are getting worse. Society is failing. People like the ones mentioned above who didn't apologize for the confusion or say thank you, are likely going to also complain about the behaviors they see in society now, even though they are part of the problem.

It is like when people answer questions whether they believe they are "better or worse than average" at something like driving, intelligence, or in the bedroom; Overwhelmingly, most people think they are better than average. Obviously this can't be true, but we all suffer in some way from a blindness where the problem is generally, "other people", not ourselves.

As I drove home from the shopping center as more snow kept falling, I was thinking of times where I might have been in a similar position to the people who didn't say thank you, and a few instances came to mind. However, I was raised in a family culture to say thank you when someone helps, and over the years I have made it a core part of who I am, because not only is it nice for those who help, but it is nice for me too, because people are willing to help more.

One particular instance comes to mind from twenty years ago where I was sitting with friends at a café/bar we often frequented, having a couple of drinks. Every so often, the service person came and cleared some glasses and cups and I would thank them each time. At some point, a friend said, "you don't have to say thank you each time, she remembers from last time that you are thankful". My response was, I know she remembers. Take a look around at all of the other tables in here and tell me what you see. Ours was nearly the only one that was clear. It wasn't that the service person was inattentive to others, but when it was so busy, she only had time to clear a couple, but she always made sure that ours was in each round.

One of the keys to build a desired habit is to make it satisfying. This works for an individual, but it also applies to others we interact with. If we want them to repeat a behavior, we also have to recognize what it requires to make it satisfying for them too. If getting what we want relies on others, we have to think about why they would help.