I am conflicted. Not about any decision in particular but just within myself. I say one thing, do another, support something, value something different. There are many internal conflicts inside me. People pick them out in my writing all the time and say, 'hey, you said this, and then you said this and those two things are in opposition..'
Yep, I know. I have heard of enlightened people where every thought, word and action is a smooth motion, uninterrupted, even tempered and completely efficient. Always enough energy to do what is needed, never more. This is unity of action, completeness in mind and body, environmental sensitivity, the embodiment of grace.
I am also yet to meet one of the unconflicted. If they exist, I would love the opportunity to ask, 'How did you learn?' Of course, their words are likely only of limited help to me for there is no pill, book or 10 things to enlightenment, no matter what an internet guru says. It is likely that what they will tell me is that the path is via negativa, they can't tell what it is, they can point to what it is not. The other thing they can't tell me is if they are themselves actually enlightened. How would they know?
What it is not is conflict within. I am not talking about argument between two people but often that may be a symptom, I am talking of internal conflict. Positions held that cannot co-habitate and still maintain clarity of motion. But, to do this, one has to be sensitive and objective with the self, to understand exactly what is going on inside and untangle the web of disorder that dictates thought and action. Easier said than done, I presume.
Enlightenment is no goal I think, it is when the blinders are removed so that goals become irrelevant. For me, I write to try and discover what is going on with me. It is likely that I have to change but trying to change is quite useless if one doesn't know where one is currently. It is like trying to help but without knowing how to help. Often, it does more harm than good.
And this is why I post what I write, to help. I cannot help by telling people what they need to do or be as I am in a conflicted position myself, but I can help by going through my conflicts as this will likely lead to their own internal scan.
I wrote a post today about improving language fluency through a little exercise and mentioned that when reading aloud, words the tongue struggles to get around are often being pronounced incorrectly and require review. It is the same when I read and write.
The concepts my mind struggles to get around, require review. When my emotions raise based on an idea i have or hear, I should review. I should take the time to step back, observe and then consider why my mind is struggling. Once I discover this, then I can act to remove whatever conflicts I find. It doesn't matter if I am against something or supportive. Why do I support? Do I really know or is it out of habit or some learned behavior from parents or society? If it is learned, am I the one supporting or is it the teacher via proxy?
It sounds like a lot of nonsense doesn't it? Perhaps it would be better to leave this alone, set some goals and then go about achieving them. Or, perhaps if I really want to help and create a better world for my daughter, I should spend my time actively changing the environment into what my vision of the world should be. I should force my will and do all I can to bend others actions into line with my desires.
How can I trust my vision of the world if within me lives conflicted positions? Gandhi said be the change you want to see in the world. He also said that the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others and finally, Happiness is when what you think, what you say and what you do are in harmony.
All of these things are able to be started blind and ignorant of the internal self but, they will not stay that way. When moving from a conflicted position and one tries to 'be the change' resistance will be met externally that will likely point out the flaws in assumptions. When trying to help from a conflicted position, the aid is unlikely to be sensitive to those in need and expectation of result and reality will not match. And, doing all this will make one soon realise that thoughts, words and actions are ill-aligned and the state of happiness will not be present.
It is an important lesson to learn. I have been taught it many times throughout my life and yet, still try to change what I have no power or right to change. But, the frequency is lessening and instead of trying to change me or anyone else, I try to see me instead.
When I write for me, it is also for you. It is not to convince you of my position and to follow, I do not know you and do not know what you need. What I do attempt though is to get you curious enough in yourself to take a look, see your own conflicts and do what is necessary to remove them. You do not need to though. I will not beg or force you to change as, what good would it do? Instead, I offer my own journey as food for thought, motivation, inspiration or the disagreement that strengthens your own position. How you use it or dispose of it is your own business.
Walking along a golden beach at sunset or along the streets of the poorest slum can inspire. Both can make one take a step back and wonder at the world in which they live and their role within and perhaps from there, effective actions will be made.
I am not yet sure if I am the sunset or the slum so I will continue walking.
Taraz
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