Someone asked me the other day if I would have preferred to have had a boy child, rather than a girl, since I would have more skills for it. Besides it being a bit of a weird question, I do think there is some kind of sense in some cultures that fathers want to have boys. Which I guess comes down to a misguided belief that men are uncomfortable dealing with girls, or don't have as good relationships, or don't know how to deal with the various issues, or have nothing to offer, or are expected to want to push an athlete... or something.
It is all nonsense.
But it might be the case for some.
Personally, I never really imagined what it would be like to be a father to a boy, as I had only imagined having a girls - hopefully two. Better yet, twins. Alas, one was all that was in the stars for us. Luckily for us though, she is one of the brightest stars possible. I wouldn't have the intelligence to keep up with two of them, as I am already failing with one.
But I was thinking about the apparently common cultural belief that "dads don't know what they are doing" and how it is pretty condescending, considering how much dads actually do these days. Yet, there absolutely is a prejudice still, and I even see it in my own household, despite my known track record. But at the same time, I also know that for many things, I am far inferior to my wife - like braiding hair. I can do some basic plaits, and I am pretty good with clips - but past that, I am useless. And there are many, many more things that my wife is better suited to handle.
But if forced, I would work it out and survive.
And I think that pretty much sums up most of parenting. There are things that need to be done, so like it or not, good at it or not - the parent will learn to survive. Perhaps I am lucky though, because at least for me, a lot of the parenting thing came pretty easily in the sense that I am not grossed out by a nappy, and I am quite happy (at least not upset) to get up in the middle of the night and then work on very little sleep. And some of the best times when my daughter was young, was heading into the city to walk around with her as a toddler.
If I had a boy, would I have been any different with him?
I don't think so. But, maybe I would have. Maybe I would have done other activities, or expected some other behaviour had it been a boy. Or perhaps as they grew older, I would have somehow imposed more of my own beliefs and experiences onto them, assuming that they are "similar to me". Maybe I would enforce more of my will, live more vicariously?
I still don't think so.
But it is hard to predict behaviours when considering counterfactuals, because our thoughts are tied to our experiences and our beliefs about ourself. We can predict what we would do and how we would feel, without really knowing if we are imagining ourselves well or not. It is only once we have real experience that we can make an informed opinion.
So maybe I would have been a better father to a boy than a girl.
But, I Still don't think so. Yeah, it would have been different in some ways, but for the most part, it is the same. Do what needs to be done to the best of a parent's ability. It doesn't matter if it is a boy or a girl. Each child has their individual quirks and interest areas and requires different kinds of support.
But I wonder, do mother's get questioned as to whether they have the skills to raise a boy?
Taraz
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