It is Father's Day here on Sunday, which means almost nothing in this household Though, I might get some breakfast made for me. Unlikely in bed, which I don't mind because you know, crumbs. While not a huge fan of these planned "appreciation" events, it is nice to get some recognition, even if socially forced. It is a bit like a school bully getting caught bullying and having to say sorry by a teacher -
It isn't from the heart.
Maybe it is.
Without spontaneity, it is hard to tell.
But, as they say, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Which means, just be happy it is a gift, without caring if it is a worthy gift or not. Though, I believe that giving a gift in a relationship, it should be thoughtful and valuable to the person, helping them in some way, making them feel better, something they enjoy.
I am one of those silly people that think a relationship should be something that brings out the best in both people, but this doesn't mean blind support. Or rather, "support" doesn't mean constant agreement and encouragement. If a person needs some critical words, then they should take it under the advisement of "best intentions" and recognize that there is probably no other person in the world with more skin in the game and who wants them to be successful. It doesn't mean that what the person says is correct, but it should be considered.
A relationship is an investment in each other.
Many talk about "trust" being the most important part of a relationship, but over the years, I am not so sure. At least, not in the way that people tend to envisage trust. I see relationship trust as knowing the person well enough that with some degree of certainty, it is possible to predict how they are going to behave in various situations. But, there is no certainty, especially if and when conditions change considerably. So, seeing a relationship more as an investment, it means that capital (effort) has to be put in, and there is no certainty of a return.
Conditions change, people change.
But, if we can help each other change for the better and through that understanding, grow together, the relationship becomes stronger. And if growing apart from each other does happen, the investment in each other isn't lost, because each moves away a better version of themselves, with the best chance of moving onto something else, healthily. It doesn't mean it is easy, but when really caring for someone and truly wanting the best for them, and they for you, It is easier.
There is the old story of two company men talking to each other.
What if we train our people and they leave?
What if we don't, and they stay?
It is the same in a relationship, isn't it? It isn't about training, it is about investing into each other to be better for having the relationship. I am not one of those people who believes we should accept people as they are in a relationship, because I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to change, doesn't want to be better tomorrow than they are today. I can accept someone if they make that decision, but I am not going to stay with them. And I wouldn't want someone to stay with me, if I am not trying to be better.
I am almost certain that the drive for people to love themselves and not change,* is planned, because it holds us back, makes us more reliant, keeps us consuming. With decades of the drive for it now, are we any better as a society, are we more accepting, more inclusive, more loving?
No. We are more exclusionary, more violent, more selfish, and far less grateful for each other.
I don't want someone to stay with me because the depend on me, or need me. I don't want them to stay because they feel they have nowhere else to go. I don't want them to stay because they are scared of leaving. I want them to stay because they feel empowered when they are with me, that they feel that they are better when we are together, because they keep improving themselves.
However, it is not easy to be in this kind of relationship, because it takes openness and the trust that best intentions are the defaults for all opinions - even the difficult ones that can be painful to hear. But, I think we our best to each other, owe it to ourselves and definitely owe it to our children.
They learn from our examples. The good, and the bad.
But if they have a personal process of improvement and are lucky enough to find someone willing to invest into them, even bad role model lessons, needn't be a burden forever.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
