For something different, paramedics visited last night, as I was feeling so terrible, my wife wanted me to go to the hospital. Perhaps once every year or two, I get a migraine, but yesterday it was so bad that I wasn't sure of it was a migraine, food poisoning, or some kind of brain aneurysm. I am not one to generally complain that much about pain - this was bad.
A few years ago, one of my friends who got migraines went to the hospital and a few hours later, died from an an aneurysm. She was a couple years younger than myself and left behind a young child.
It worries me a little.
The warning signs of a brain aneurysm
- A severe headache that comes out of nowhere (often described as the worst headache one has ever felt)
- Blurred vision.
- Feeling nauseated.
- Throwing up.
- Seizure.
- A stiff neck.
- Sensitivity to light.
- Double vision.
I had all of these things last night.
While I don't care that much for my own life, I still consider that my life carries a fair amount of responsibility in regards to my wife and daughter. It is not that if I did die they wouldn't be able to survive, but I also think that it would likely put a fair amount of pressure on them and of course, it is very hard to predict how for example, my daughter would react and what kinds of effects it would have on her as she matures.
My wife's brother-in-law died from cancer at just over 30 years of age, leaving behind two small children and while they have grown well, this isn't always the case, as some kids end up defining their life by the early death of a parent. Not only this, the surviving parent can be deeply traumatized by the loss of a partner and this can also have profound affects on the family going forward.
No one really knows how they are going to react under these kinds of circumstances and it is hard to prepare for these things emotionally. For me, I do spend time imagining the worst case scenarios in an attempt to come to some kind of emotional understanding, but it isn't the kind of thing that is comfortable to do, so most people will not.
However, while emotional preparation is difficult, at least I am able to do some kind of financial preparation, so that at least there will be something for my family in the advent of my untimely demise. The challenge is that the majority of it is in crypto and my wife has no idea about what to do with it. Because of this, I have to make sure that there is someone I can trust (she can trust) that will be able to help her manage the myriad tokens and platforms.
This isn't easy to do, as it is far more complicated than just being able to buy or sell, since all of the platforms work in different ways, have multiple keys and a thousand other considerations. While many people complain about how complicated using the platforms is, it is far easier than trying to teach someone who isn't overly interested in the technical sides of things to work it all out. For me, I hope that if something happens to me, my brother will able to help my wife manage what needs to be done.
But, since I would be gone, I would have no choice in what really happens with it all and I don't know what my brother will recommend. For example, since my wife isn't necessarily going to be keen on being active on Hive, will it be better to unstake and sell into some other token like BTC, or cash out instead? Would it be better to cash everything out for her and pay all the debts she can, so that she and my wife won't have to have any pressing financial concerns?
While I have no say in that future, even after my death, I would still carry some kind of responsibility, because of what I did in my life. I think that a lot of people seem to think that post death their responsibility ends, but I think this is is also why a lot of people don't act well during their lives in regard to things like pollution. People see to think that "it doesn't matter because I will be dead", but if they have children, what people do now is going to have long-ranging effects on the future.
In regards to financial considerations for my wife and daughter, what I am doing now can fundamentally improve their economy for the rest of their lives, even if I am not there to see them benefit. I think that this is part of parenting in general, where while we hope to see our children succeed in life, we want the to succeed, even if we don't see it. Having some extra money to use doesn't necessarily help them deal with the sense of loss, but at least while they are grieving and reorganizing their lives together, they won't have to struggle to make ends meet.
Of course, I don't really want to die yet, but I have limited control over my life in this regard. It isn't nice to have to think about these things, but at least having some basic plans in place can help those who survive me to have a slightly easier time of it.
Last night, I didn't want to go to the hospital alone, but I would have had to because Smallsteps was asleep and I didn't really want her to see me in that kind of pain either. While my wife was waiting for the ambulance, I went into her room and gave Smallsteps some kisses and told her I love her, even though she wasn't awake and if something did happen, she would never know I had visited her.
It is strange isn't it? Life comes with no guarantees but when we are reminded of our own mortality, we try to make an impact on the world in some way. I give kisses, hugs and tell my daughter I love her daily, yet in those final moments - the past doesn't seem to matter and I had to say it one more time, even if she didn't hear it.
I don't think I will ever be prepared to say goodbye to her for good.
But at some point, it is going to happen regardless.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
