When I am in conversations since the stroke, especially on topics that I am interested in, I behave like an autistic person, going into more of a monologue rather than it being a discussion. This has been brought to my attention numerous times and I "kill" the conversation, as I speak for too long.
I do not like this behaviour in myself, but for me to engage in the conversation at any depth, I kind of have to do this, because if my thoughts get interrupted, it is unlikely I will be able to get back to it. And if I try to hold onto the thought, I can't listen to what others are saying at the same time. This is because for me to understand what people are saying, I have to manually build the scenario in my head, it doesn't flow automatically. And then, any ideas I have on it will get lost because the more collateral I am trying to process, the less I can grasp and carry on through to a reply.
People I talk with like my wife and close friends get frustrated with me, but the alternative is to just sit there and listen, making the discussion more like talking to a wall. Or, another option is to have very long gaps so that I can listen and then build, and then consider, then formulate an answer and then finally give a reply. During this time, I would just be staring off into space or have my eyes closed, processing for several minutes.
The reply might not be any better.
But it will be more succinct.
I used to be a far better conversationalist than today, because I was able to be engaging the audience, whilst also listening and processing in the background. We really do take the automation component of thought for granted, with most of us completely or near completely unaware of how much of our thinking ability is being processed subconsciously. We are aware when we are thinking hard though, but at those times we are actively and intentionally creating that thought, and most of us struggle to do that for longer periods, and none of us can keep it up for long anyway.
For me, most of that automation has gone, so whenever I think, I feel it. And it is tiring and frustrating for me too, especially when I get interrupted by people who interject a new idea that I have to include into my consideration and formulate into the rest of the sentence. It all becomes very awkward, at least for me - and I am pretty sure for them too.
Couple this with my tendency to talk about serious topics that generally don't make people feel good, even when they brought them up for discussion, and it does make for a bit of an intense conversation. I wouldn't want to spend much time with me either, but the alternative is me to not speak at depth on anything and instead rely on my other skill that still has some legs - my ability to tease people with one liners and interject smartass commentary, no matter the occasion.
Maybe this is preferrable for some, but not all.
I am a huge advocate for improving our human skills for better social health, and I am trying to find ways for me to do this successfully also. But, it is hard, because my body and brain still remember all the habits from prior to the stroke, but they don't have all the same capabilities to process the information and formulate it into an outlet. It is kind of like learning to think from scratch again, in someone else's body.
But, I don't expect anyone to actually understand this, nor do I expect that they make concessions for my behaviour, because that is just not how the world works. I am not a victim of life, I am an agent in it, and that means learning how to use what I have and mitigating the risk of what I lack, as well as possible to cope in what can be a highly challenging environment. Being a victim of it would mean saying I am unable to change or unable to find ways to counteract my shortfalls, or expect everyone else to make concessions for me.
I am not entitled to that.
No one is. We each have our "crosses to bear" in many ways, and it is up to each of us to learn how to cope the best we can with the available resources. I see it as a huge issue when people demand that because of this and this reason, everyone has to treat them differently, and then at the same time, be fair about it. It just doesn't add up and all it does is create more people who feel victimised, and therefore entitled to their concessions from others.
Grow up.
I am trying to improve myself, but I don't expect that many people are going to be patient enough to stick through on a journey that has no end, and may not even see much improvement. This goes for everyone in my life and I have lost many relationships in the last few years that were very dear to me, because I have changed, and their expectations no longer aligned. And before anyone says otherwise, we all have our expectations for others, no matter the relationship.
We also have expectations on ourselves, and for me, I expect better behaviour from myself than I exhibit. No matter how well I do, it is never going to be enough to repeat it, because there is always room for improvement somewhere. Yet, I repeat a lot, because it takes time to experiment, learn, apply and ultimately change my behaviour. The intentional change process is far, far slower than the unintentional change process, because it isn't on the path of least resistance, it is on the path that carries the most resistance, the most discomfort, and the difficult conversations with oneself.
I am aware of many of my shortcomings, but I also likely have multiple blind spots that are outside of my awareness that impact also. I try to listen and observe for them, but I am sure that someone of them are hiding during the times that I don't have the mental bandwidth to catch them on the fly, or remember them in reflection. For these, I need to seek external feedback from the audience, but who honestly likes to get negative feedback on how they behave at things they might not be able to change?
As I said to someone the other day, if I didn't write as I have done after the stroke, I would have
likely withdrawn from social life nearly completely, and avoided people as much as I can. I would likely be far more anxious around people, far more depressed, and my general life would be bland. I wouldn't be an active agent in life, I'd be an active consumer of whatever helps me avoid it.
Perhaps that would have been a more acceptable path, than trying to improve.
Taraz
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