This week has become somewhat of a mixed week for me personally, as it is going into midsummer, and it is also the "anniversary" of having my stroke coming up, which happens to fall on midsummer celebration day this year. So, while people around me are gearing up for summer, I feel even more out of place than normal. And even though it is just another week and just another day, it is a reminder of what was, and what perhaps could have been.
I had a conversation with Smallsteps yesterday about time travel, since we watched Back to the Future for the first time together a couple weeks ago. I was trying to see how her brain might process the concept and whether she would pick the holes in the idea, and she did pretty well. From there, it was just playing and coming up with funny scenarios.
After working out that we would be able to meet ourselves, I her what she would tell herself five years ago, and she came up with a few silly ideas - also realising that there is a difference between being told, and actually doing. I said that she should remember that in five years from now, if she went back, she would be telling herself something as she is today. I told her people generally regret what they didn't do, not what they did.
She asked what I would tell myself five years ago.
Well, to go to the hospital and tell them I have a dissected carotid artery and need treatment to stop it from giving me a stroke.
As well as a few investment suggestions.
It is all counterfactual of course, but I would assume that had I not had a stroke, my life would likely be better. No guarantees, but likely. But, since I can't go back in time, I can't change the fact that I had a stroke, or that I didn't make great investment decisions.
I am stuck with the nonsense I got.
As said, it is a bit of a mixed bag of a week for me now, as while I want to be positive, it is a reminder of the loss also. Like the birthday of a loved one who died too young. And it is a bit similar to that perhaps, because when I had the stroke, I did die in a sense. Not physically this time, but the personality I had was fundamentally changed in an instant and quite heavily, so it is a bit like being reborn with another person's body, having your own memories, but the other person's capabilities - and they are not nearly as capable.
It is what it is.
And regardless hoe I feel about things, life goes on for everyone else unabated, and for me too. No good comes of dwelling, but we have brains that process what they choose to process, and it isn't always the fun stuff. I take the approach that it is better to reflect on experience, than deny it. Some people talk about "accepting" what has happened, but they don't seem to acknowledge the difference between accepting and giving up. A lot of people say they accepted something, but in reality, they just gave up. And if we all accept our situation in that way, we wouldn't progress very far at all.
Mix it up.
I might write more on this on my stroke-aversary.
Taraz
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