After four years, I finally got sent to another test session with a neuropsychologist to see how things are going after the stroke in 2021. After some discussion about various things, the testing started and not much has changed in the areas I struggle the most. Which is unfortunate, but the neuropsychologist (a different one than earlier) thinks I should have rehabilitation support. Of course, this should have been done much, much earlier - but at that point I was told that because I test "average or above" in most areas, support isn't available. Which is still the case, but there is some possibilities for help, that I wasn't offered earlier.
She also questioned why the paramedics didn't take me straight to the hospital given my symptoms, even though there is no way to know if it would have changed the outcome. But now, there is no way to know if it would have changed it, had they given me the shot to try and clear the blockage. If it had cleared, I would have been fine.
Brain cells under the bridge.
Accept it, and move on.
This is what I have largely done, but every time I talk to the professionals, they don't seem to accept it themselves. They know that protocol wasn't followed, yet they seem to also not want to raise the questions themselves. I guess they feel like it would be like investigating their own, a bit like the internal affairs officers not being liked by the police. I suspect if it had happened to them or someone they cared about, would they accept it.
The testing was interesting, because in some cognitive tasks I was considered very fast, and in others, I was embarrassingly slow. Slow isn't even the right word for some of it - as I was almost incapable. In the areas I was incapable, I have had to develop strategies to try and overcome the gap, but it isn't usually possible when processing on the fly through a discussion or meeting.
I don't have the official results of the testing yet, but I will have a discussion with a doctor at some point in the future and see if there is anything else that can be done. There are some studies with ADHD medication for stroke patients that could help, but they won't give me that because I am not diagnosed with ADHD. They hand it out like candy to children though. There are also some studies with psychedelics, and there is even less hope of getting a prescription for that here. But what I told the neuropsychologist today is, if I run out of available options, I will find the unavailable.
She was really nice and we had lots of good discussions in the three and a half hours we spent together. We talked about lots of different aspects of it and some of her experiences with others, like the person who had a similar (none are the same) type of stroke as me, but is barely capable to get himself out of bed he is in such a poor mental state.
I get it.
The challenge that people can't fully understand without experiencing similar, is that even a mild stroke can fundamentally change how we think, feel and behave. Essentially, the identity of the person pre-stroke may no longer be a good fit for the person who emerges post-stroke. And that person has to not only learn how to do things again, but also who they are now. It is a bit like suddenly being trapped on a deserted island with a stranger who reminds you of someone you used to know. They are not that person, they are different, but you can't help but see the similarities, even though so much doesn't match.
While I was sitting in the waiting room in the morning, I took the picture of the two seats and thought how it is a bit like that in my head. There is the old me, and the new me. While we are all always changing, most of out change happens gradually across all of the areas of us, not all at once to every part of us. I look largely the same, but I am two different seats. Yet, I am not comfortable on either of them.
Stuck in the middle between me.
Taraz
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