I was having a discussion with Smallsteps this afternoon about "judging a book by the cover", a saying she hadn't heard before but understood and gave some examples that resonated with her, like judging a person based on their handwriting. It led into a discussion about behaviour and my own belief that people are people first and foremost, which means no matter of their position in society, they are human like everyone else. This has been one of my guiding principles in life which has served me pretty well, but also got me "into trouble" occasionally.
It has served me well in respect to being able to talk to all kinds of people as equals, no matter what position they hold, ranging from professional sports stars to a couple Finnish prime ministers and presidents. To me, they are just people doing a job and while they are well-know, public figures that many might admire or dislike, they are humans who act like humans. And because of this, I treat them as such, with the same respect the waitress at the café gets.
This has got me into trouble occasionally though, because while most of the people I have talked with respect my position and actually find it refreshing, there are a few who believe that because of some label they have, they should be treated differently to others, they should be revered in some way, looked up to. I actually have no problems "looking up to" someone, but it is never based on their title - it is based on their behaviours.
Behaviour matters, which means that to hold my respect, they have to act respectfully. I generally give people respect from the start and then it becomes theirs to lose from there, through they way they behave and treat others. If they believe themselves above others and treat the people around them poorly, it is pretty much a sure-fire way for me to label them "a dick" and lose my respect. This doesn't mean I can't interact with them, because it is necessary at times to cooperate with people you don't like, such as in a workplace, but it becomes a professional relationship only, with low emotional input.
What sparked the conversation to begin with was me taking Smallsteps with me to a store and she watched me interact with the sales person, who I had met twice before. After the interaction, Smallsteps asked how I knew so much about her and how she remembered me considering I had only met her a couple times earlier for a few minutes at each. I explained that getting to know people is easy and all it takes is being openly interested in them, instead of just what you want from them. Being memorable isn't about how you look and act, it is about how you make the other person feel. Service quality goes up as a bonus.
But it isn't just for service. After meeting quite a few different kinds of people who most would consider popular, they meet thousands of people and they all blend into each other, with a lot of ass-kissing. They don't get treated like normal people at all and while that might be desirable for normal people, it isn't always desirable when that is daily life. It gets tiring to always have to put on a face that is expected to behave in a certain way, never able to let the guard down.
They play the part.
But, most of the same people like to be themselves but can't be, so when someone gives them a little space to interact as themselves, they remember it, because for a moment, they feel normal. And what I have found over the years is that while I am pretty shy in many respects, I am pretty open and daring with people who many fear to talk to. I am not sure why, because I have no desire to be recognised myself, but talking to recognisable people is quite easy for me. Maybe because I am no fanboy of anybody.
They are all human.
The lesson for my daughter in all of this was that if she wants to be treated well in life, she has to act the part of that kind of person. Playing the part is a bit different, as it connotes that it isn't really the way the person is, but acting the part is the action of that kind of person and if doing it enough, it becomes habitual. Personality might be innate in some ways, but we also change based on our behaviours and experiences, so if we increase our behaviours in ways that increase our experiences of particular areas, our personality will shift with it.
Given her parents, my daughter is short and as a result, many of her friends treat her like she is younger than she is. In the future, this will work to her advantage in some ways, but now, it frustrates her. However, if she plays the part they put her in, they will keep treating her that way and if she continues, it will become part of her personality, and hard to change. If she wants to be treated as her age, she has to act her age and due to her height, be a little more bold, a little firmer, a little more mature than others.
Speak from the chest.
If you want to be heard, you have to speak from the chest, which is something people struggle to do when they are speaking to people they believe are somehow above them in status. Many people become more nasal and this carries less weight and authority, but also gives the impression of insecurity and uncertainty. If you want to be taken seriously, speak in a way that is heard.
Our actions matter.
They are who we are. It doesn't matter what we wear or how we do our hair or what title we have. At the end of the day, it is how we carry ourselves, our behaviours, our tone of voice, and of course, how we make people feel in our presence, and out of our presence. We often forget that we are always communicating to others and while we can't control how they perceive us or what they think of us, we can learn to control our behaviours so that we are better able to navigate our experience and make the impact we want to make.
It is definitely something I have to work on.
Don't play. Be.
Taraz
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