I was talking to the friend who was visiting me on the weekend today and I made a bit of a potential discovery about why I am such an asshole. I was saying I was difficult to live with and as we were discussing pasts, I started running through why I might be "the way I am" due to my childhood. Because from a young age, I was pretty much left to my own devices with little guidance from my parents. Not only that, I also didn't have a peer reference group in primary school, because I was excluded due to being the wrong color.
Don't worry, this isn't a making excuses post.
However, what this meant was that I couldn't rely on people to be there for me or give advice. Not only that, I didn't really have any natural role models to copy. Instead, I spent a lot of the time alone, reading or more often than not, observing people from a distance, as they interacted with others. Also, I got a lot of experience as to how people treat those they do not like, something that has been invaluable (another post sometime) for me in my understanding of the mind, cultural patterns and people's behavior.
But, the realization came in the fact that due to this lack of quality people around me, I had to make my own decisions. While looking after myself made me independent, it also meant that I was in somewhat of an echo chamber, always being right, because there was no one present to prove me wrong, or discuss how I might be missing part of the story. My argumentative style (IRL) reflects this heavily and I am frustrating to talk with when there is disagreement, because I will argue hard and, I am (used to be) pretty good at it.
However, it also can put unnecessary pressure on relationships, as while I don't get emotionally connected to what is being said, others do. And, it isn't that I don't recognize that I am wrong either, it is just that it doesn't happen during the conversation, it happens after, when I have had time to reflect upon what was discussed. At that point, I can realize I was wrong or misguided, but this doesn't mean I then go back to the person and let them know - something I am trying to get better with and am making some progress.
While these patterns of behavior for me aren't new, what is interesting is that now I have distance to see them more clearly, describe them with greater clarity and perhaps make a change for the better. Just because this is the way I have always been, doesn't mean it is a beneficial way to be, nor does it mean it is the best version of myself. It is still me, whether I change it or not, but that doesn't make not changing it the right thing to do.
In a separate discussion in a chat based on a shared article from a friend, the topic of obesity came up and the complexity of the topic. Sure, it is easy to lay blame on someone's weight problems, but can you blame an adult who as a child was provided the wrong patterns that became habits? Probably not, right? However, as an adult, it is possible to recognize this and make changes in ourselves, rather than finding excuses as to why it is okay to stay the same.
We live in a culture of excuses now, where people's shortcomings are glossed over, where for example someone who has a drinking problem, is no longer an alcoholic, they are someone struggling with substance use instead. There is a softening of the terms that shift blame away from the individual and onto an unknown external source. And, no matter what issues we have, we are able to divert the attention away from ourselves, which takes away our ability to reflect on the role we play in our own condition.
Sure, the environment I grew up in was not ideal for many reasons and it taught me a lot of valuable lessons and behaviors too, but as an adult with the ability to think and reflect, I always have the opportunity to improve myself by turning my attention to do so. But, when we follow the accept ourselves and love ourselves as is approach, we don't have to change, no matter how unhappy we are "as is".
In my opinion, rather than trying to convince people to be happy being unhappy or even happy staying the same, we should encourage people to be better. We should have a culture that rewards the attempt to improve, even if it ends in failure. It doesn't matter if you are fat or skinny, weak or strong, smart or a moron, if you are actively trying to be a better human, good on you!
Fail all you must, but not trying is pathetic. The attempt matters.
Am I right?
I don't know. But, at least at this point of the post, it feels right in the moment. Tomorrow, when I reflect on what I have written or from the comments I receive, perhaps I will change my mind.
We are human; changing minds is not only possible, it is how we evolve.
I am a firm believer that the average is a mess currently and we are heading down a slippery slope, creating divisions between us that do not need to be there. The more we subscribe to building identity on the differences between us, the more disconnected and volatile the world becomes, because those slices and shades can be continually parted. However, if we focus on our similarities, we aren't that different at all.
It doesn't mean I can change my behavior overnight, or at all. But I can try to be better than I currently am, even if through trial and error, sometimes the results are worse.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
