His fingers gripped tightly as he lifted the bag from the trunk. It weighed a lot but he would never complain, he was too proud for that and he would never let her see him struggle with the weight.
"Want a hand?" she said.
"No, no, I've got it, no worries." as his shoulder tightened and pulled in the socket and felt like it was going to tear apart. He imagined the suitcase fall to the ground, his arm still attached.
But, this didn't happen and he managed to ease the bag to the ground and with relief, pull the handle up so it could roll from then on in. The weather was cool yet the sun shone and she looked at him again as if to make sure he was okay. He nodded and smiled to reassure her and made a mental note to not loosen his shoulder in front of her.
She smiled back and turned. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and from the moment he saw her, he was in love, and when she held his hand in hers for the first time and stared into his eyes, he knew that the love was never going to leave from him.
His smile faded as she walked away and he tipped and pulled the bag behind, rolling his shoulder to try and stop it from freezing up later.
There were many people rushing back and forth, dragging their cases, chasing toddlers and it was noisy. He was hoping it would not be this way as he would have liked to say a few words. He had been thinking about them a lot lately, and had even put something down on paper in case he forgot.
He wanted to keep it short, something memorable that she could carry with her and remember their time together. For her, it had been too long, for him, never long enough. She had to move on though she said, and she was right.
He wanted her to know how much she means and how much she means to him. The words he tried to find he wanted to keep simple as he himself was not one to be over stated in the way he was. They had to deliver a lifetime in a moment and make her feel that her leaving him was the right thing to do. He would never force her to stay, no matter how much it would hurt. He had tried and tried and had finally found a few sentences that would cover what he wanted to say.
He had rehearsed them and committed them to memory. He did all he could to make sure he would not falter and stumble over pronunciation or let the emotion of the moment get the better of him.
He was not one to get emotional anyway, perhaps that is why she felt so comfortable in leaving, perhaps that is why she is leaving. He felt his heart tighten in his chest at the thought of her going, the thought of not seeing her face again. And he knew that this would be the last time he would likely see her.
After all of these years together, why was there still not enough time to say everything he had wanted to say to her. He had set out to make sure that their relationship was as open as it could be and the trust between them meant they could share anything and everything. And they did.
They had laughed often and teased each other incessantly for years. She was the emotional one, perhaps it was genetic, but the rare times she would cry she would never let him see. And when it must, her heart would turn cold and her mind would slice like surgical steel through anything that it was turned toward.
There was a fire in her that he would never understand but he recognised early, perhaps from that first day even. The intensity of her eyes revealed more than she knew they did, at least to him, It was this fire that took her from him now, a fire that he had stoked but would never be capable of keeping it from consuming him. She had to go.
She had to burn down all she could with the fire she held within and use that mind to rebuild a better world, and he had to let her go and do it. It would be selfish to try and make her stay and ultimately cruel to hold her to him and tell her he didn't want her to leave.
He looked around and saw they were already there, she was pointing that she must go through security first. There was so much noise, too much noise. A baby cried, an argument, a child playing with a noisy toy and the announce of flight changes over the top of everything.
He watched as she walked back towards him, he was slightly out of breath from dragging a suitcase filled with what will go onto another world. A world he would never see. She was smiling but he knew her eyes too well and they betrayed all she was. He saw through her. Not a lie she had told had ever escaped him but he had never mentioned when she had, it was her secret to keep. She hadn't lied in a very long time now, or she had become a lot better at it.
He took a deep breath as she took the final steps. and she explained that only she can go through from here, there are tight security restrictions. He nodded and understood what that meant. He looked at her and prepared himself to speak but there was so much noise, no space. A whole lifetime gone and not a moment of silence now?
She came a bit closer, she knew he was struggling. She looked deep into him, a look that could vaporize a soul if it chose. She smiled still but tears were beginning to well and as always when this happened, her eyes turned the most brilliant shade of blue. Like sapphires lit from within.
He wouldn't make her suffer he would end it now before she would not need to endure more pain, he would let her turn away from him one last time. Let her cry unseen.
He couldn't get the words out, the words her had planned and repeated so many times earlier. They were gone, his mind a blank, nothing. He smiled at the loss and looked into her eyes again and took her by both hands.
"Live well. I love you." was all he managed.
"I love you too, dad. See you soon." and she hugged him tightly and he felt what was left of his body get crushed with those words as he held her close.
See you soon. She still couldn't lie to him.
She pulled away and paused a moment to study his face as if to drink it all in so she would never forget. He knew from experience, time will wipe that memory until the only way she can remember is through context, the memory of an experience shared. He hoped it would be a good one.
Her lips moved as if to speak but she bit her tongue. He would never know what they would have been and he would spend the rest of his life in wonder. She turned and walked away, he watched until she was gone and then waited at the glass to see if he would be able to catch one more glimpse. He waited and waited, nothing.
An eternity passed by and he finally turned to make the walk back and in the reflection of the glass he caught an image of himself; small, frail, old. The man that was, was no more. He continued to turn but was stopped by a loud bang on the glass.
There she was, tears streaming down her face, her eyes burning blue. He moved to the glass and pressed his hand to it and she placed hers against his. He closed his eyes partly not to break down himself and partly in a little ritual they had created when she was a child. A symbolic reminder that in time, everything will be okay. Just a few seconds.
He opened his eyes and was looking into hers again. The tears had stopped, they were still on fire. He said softly again so she could read his lips. "I love you always. Your mother would be proud." She turned and disappeared into the sea of travellers.
He sat into the car and adjusted the mirror so he could see his own eyes. They were dark, darker than he could ever remember seeing them before and heavier than ever. As if a lifetime of sleepless nights were held in a moment.
There in the parking lot he felt it build within, the feeling he knew well but had not experienced since his wife had passed away so many years before. His throat tightened and he cried. She hadn't seen him cry then, it won't be the last thing she sees from him now.
Everyone has secrets to keep.
Taraz
[ a Steemit original ]
