Part 1: Steem Wars: No, I Would Not Recommend This Product, by 
Part 2: Steem Wars: In Space, No One Can Hear Your Spleen, by 
Part 3: Steem Wars: To Shoot or Not to Shoot, Never the Question, by 
Our mission:
As delivered by 
Our crew:
Galacdictator Tangle (
Underlord Negavader (
Byepeex Reist-Stoomtrooper Destroyer (
Sixty-Wine (
Location: Bridge of the Intangible
Perfector Class War Vessel
Serial number BYOB 9021-O
My reflection smiled winningly at me from the mirror.
“...And that, good people of Strawberro 9, is how I will make this galaxy great again. Resistance is futile. Thank you and good night.”
More smiling. I was fabulous. Glorious. Irresistible. Once Underlord Negavader delivered those simple folk those pamphlets full of truth, I would just need to give this motivational address and yet another world would be mine.
I turned off the mirror and switched back to the viewscreen. Strawberro 9 swirled beneath me. The anomalies Negavader was investigating bulged from the reddish-purple clouds, soft and mounded and pale.
Like perogies, floating in a big bowl of borscht. My mouth watered.
“Underlord! Have you determined what the anomalies are yet?”
His voice crackled back. “I’m still, ah, looking at them. This might take a while. Ma’am.”
My bosom heaved a great sigh. “Do you at least have a theory? A suspicion?”
“It’s difficult to say. Embarrassingly so.”
“Out with it, man!” He was trying my patience. I didn't like my patience tried, for fear it might be faulty.
“Well, uh, they look like, uh, boobies.”
“Strange. From up here they look nothing like birds. They aren't even blue.”
“No, no.” He sounded agitated. “I mean, you know, mammaries.”
“Now don't be ridiculous. Manatees are sea-going creatures, are you telling me that giant, mostly vegetarian, sea-going creatures are swimming in the atmosphere?”
“No! No, I said-- I mean, they're--ta-tas?”
“I'm not finished with you! How dare you hang up on me!”
Soft weeping could be heard through the speakers. “The anomalies appear to be udders, ma’am. Large, with teats and nipples. Every shape. Massively sized. And they seem to be--adorned with something.”
I digested this news. No doubt it would give me gas later. “That sounds… titillating.”
More weeping. “Not--not really.”
“Very well. Your fortitude is legendary, it seems. Finish figuring out what to do, and convert the locals, and put the robot together, and then hurry back. I have a toenail that needs trimming and it's just so hard to reach.”
“Yes, ma’am. I'll-- it shall be done.”
The comm-link closed and I stared at the temporal lobes bobbing beneath me. I snorted coquettishly and waited for Negavader to succeed.
After ten minutes, I discovered that my patience was indeed faulty. I shouted repeatedly for someone to come turn the TV on, but no one answered.
“I guess I'll do it myself.” I thumbed the remote and resumed the movie I had paused. A woman almost as attractive as me distracted a government official with her undergarments.
Silly little planet. I could rule the place with the right set of mammary glands…
I paused the movie, pulse racing. “How could I be so foolish! I've nearly avoided an avenue to success! The peoples of the galaxy shall cleave to me with abandon!”
With great anticipation, I turned on the grapple beam. I selected a smaller udder and began attracting it toward the Intangible’s cargo bay. Before long, I had docked it. Taking care with my toenail, I hoisted my skirts and hurried off to view the specimen up close.
It was generally unremarkable, other than the size. And plethora of teats. And the sound it made.
tick... tick... tick…
I paced around the breadth of it and a classic black leather strap confronted me. With great trepidation, I undid the buckle.
The strap fell away from the jiggling flesh. I could sense that something profound was about to happen, so I backed away slowly. The udder began to quiver and vibrate, expanding slightly. It sparkled like a vampire.
If ever I have experienced regret, it may have been just at that moment.
With a little whinge, the udder burst into a cloud of unicorn-type glitter. Everything in the cargo hold was covered in a fine layer of cheerful rainbow sparkles. Me. The floor. The walls. The ceiling. All of Underlord Negavader’s bedroom furniture.
Everything except the black leather strap, which I could now see was divided in half by a faintly glowing timepiece, somewhat larger than my head.
I approached, glitter-spitting. The timepiece showed the correct local time for Central New Westchesteristan Zealandia in the Kumquat system.
“Extraordinary.”
I picked up the timepiece and turned it over in my glitter-covered hands. Inscribed on the back were the initials DMTLE.
“Diem, tea Ellie.” What could it mean? Just then, the watch struck eighteen and vanished in another cloud of glitter.
I shook off as much of the glitter as I could and bustled back to my throne. It was time to inform Underlord Negavader of my findings.
STEEM Wars is the brainchild of @gmuxx. It is a community creativity parody project with a sci-fi basis. Read more in the following links:
Steem Wars image by
all other images from Pixabay.com. Title image created using Canva.com
