Life is neither too short nor too long and yet it's unpredictable. We make plans for things we want to do and/or achieve yet half of our life gets spent waiting for opportunities to do that. We have our priorities and responsibilities cut out for us and things that we want to do for ourselves take a backseat. And while we are at it, life passes us by and we're left wondering what life could have become.
I cannot account for how much time I have spent outlining things I wanted to do and still do. There are limitless things my heart desires to do and yet it always seems like the wrong time or place. Nevertheless, as any other human being would do, I too have formulated an elaborate plan. Yes, a plan - I know there are troubles around the corner and my plans may get held up indefinitely but my heart is a naive little thing that keeps hoping, refuses to give up. And another problem this naive heart faces is that it wants everything - it wants to feel true happiness and be whole, all the while fulfilling all those duties that stir it away from there. The heart wants what it wants without thinking and our mind tells us "You can't have everything. You give up one of desire for your duties and you may get free from one duty to chase what your heart wants."
It's not the inner battle of mind and heart that exhausts you, it's the limitation and choosing between yourself and others that feel draining.
The harsh truth of life is our desire and responsibilities aren't parallel - this came to me as a rude awakening. I had drowned myself in responsibilities that I had forgotten if I wanted anything for myself let alone doing things for myself. But then again, even though remained dormant for a long time, my spirit woke up, or shall I say still waking up. While on the rouse, I found out what my soul wanted doesn't align with things and the people I am responsible for and if I keep denying my own fulfillment, I'd lose myself again. I'd be the shell of a person who I could be.
Perhaps this realization had happened because I don't desire what the people around me desire, or it could be the fact that their spirits had been put in a coma and they don't know what else could they want out of life. Perhaps both my spirit animal and guardian angel are drunk and my life is a rusty car with its brakes cut - what a grimacing thought that is. Nevertheless, I did realize, it's not that I'm different from everyone, some spirits are still in hibernation and some spirits have been molded and shaped radically to be unidentifiable from their previous appearance.
I'm well aware that I cannot make everyone understand how and why I am the way am and up to a certain point I have made peace with it. And I know, if I don't want to be an inanimate object, I should listen to my heart.
I have yet to understand what's the meaning of my life, I want that question answered, for better or for worse.
