Funny that was the first thing that entered my head when I heard he had passed away of suicide. Can't say he wasn't an incredible man of luck and misfortunes it's just the misfortunes finally overwhelmed his desire to see if he had any luck left.

It's a bad spot to be in for sure, weighting your gains up against your losses and the strength(s) needed to move on from there. My sister passed away awhile back and I still want to drop to my knees and cry because basically, if you ask me, she just gave up. Once she learned she had a heart problem she just let it live out to her end. She was the biggest nemesis in my life but in a ironic way I miss that. She captivated and took control of my mom to the point I could never be considered to have done anything right in my life. We spent very little time in life together because she was the youngest of six and the last to come home from foster care. I never got any thanks or gratitude for the many times I had to save her from beatings from my mother. I was the second oldest, I use to have to listen to them howling from the beatings and then I took karate and that part ended. Once she got married that all changed and she was the one who did everything right. Years gone by and her life fell apart I was there buying up the loss like little trophies of her not so perfectness. I cherished each and every item even more so after she got lucky and bought a house, of course as a single mom like me now though she threw it all up in my face, she had a bigger yard, a better neighborhood, etc., it went on and on, just like we could never come to my house ever for the holidays because she considered herself cleaner than me.....well she cleaned houses for a living so maybe she had all the inside tips on the best stuff to clean with on the market....not to mention she had two foster boys she drove like slave masters while her biological girls sat around like Cinderella's. But she truly was like my brother quipped, someone who spent money like Ivana Trump and one day it wouldn't be sustainable for her anymore. Sticking her hands in all those chemicals finally caught up to her and she came down with a debilitating bone disease. Her two sons hated her and ditched out, well, her daughters one basically did the same while the other sat around like her usual Cinderella self. She ended up losing her home, moved to Florida but came back and wanted to stay with me for awhile. Totally unlike her, I should have known something was up. She apologized to me for the things she said and did over the years. Her selfishness with my mom, man, I really should have known something was up. But I don't think it would have really mattered, she was just tired, things were never going to change for her, she so longed for someone to just love her the way she was brought up in foster to care to see what true love was between two loving individuals, she really wanted that but the roadmap to that success was never in the cards the same way coming from a poor home as an abused child having lived in foster care. She had thought she had found that with her first husband having come from a rich family living in the wealthier district of town, they never accepted her, at some point the rationalization sets in that it is what it is. It continued on to be what it was and she just knew her happiness in life again would escape her, she was tired of trying.

Really it was sad because she gave it a run for it's money, she tried so very hard, and as hard as it is for me to admit she did a hell of a job as far as that went. I know she was really hard on those boys, I was often vocally critical of it but standing next to one of them, actually the only one who came to her funeral, weeping like crazy I told him it probably came as a shock I am so broken up and I am not trying to justify the way she treated you but one day you'll realize that having to have lived with her and put up with her is going to be end up making you a better man than the pain of not having lived under such a tyrant because after that you are better equipped to handle life. Everything else in your life is going to pale in comparison and you'll be stronger for it.

I hope you don't mind me telling you all this, it's just it has weighed heavy on me since her death. All those battles to keep them all safe when they were younger, three of them are gone of the six and two are sitting in prison for life and I am still out here running the gauntlet, the one I miss the most is my nemesis, the constant pain in my side whom I could never live up to even in death. She was a hard one for sure but she always got it done, all her kids graduated and one is in college now, she was a terrible person but she accomplished amazing things. Somehow I think we drew off each others weaknesses and strengths but would never admitted it to each other, that's how we kept going but in the end even visiting your strongest strength wasn't enough to overcome the true deficit missing in her life. She just plain wanted out but before she left she wanted me to know she really was proud of me.

I can't express enough that you brought this up. I've wanted to talk about it for a long time but it's something I think someone has to have a understanding of, as you expressed, not many people, as you explained can understand it all.