All of us have our own decisions and choices, we chose to be part of this group, we choose to write, we choose to express. Big part if it, though we may not notice we are also making our decision to name ourselves when we are on blogging sites like this. Names have meanings and I am here to share to you my name and what makes it deep and important for me.
Sugar rainbow, sounds so bright sounds so sweet, but I really hope it means that way. Sugar because I am diabetic while pregnant and rainbow because I am carrying a new baby after infant loss. I'm sure you rarely hear about it, or some people say "that's okay, you will be having another baby anyway". When I hear people say this, it's just like Joey De Leon keeps on repeating that depression isn't real. Oh well, Let me share the most painful phase of my life.
I got pregnant June of 2016, I was working, no lates on 5:30am shifts, no absences, no issues, I was pregnant and healthy. Egerything went well during pregnancy except for uncontrolled blood sugar that I didn't think would hurt so much because I am not like other super diabetic pregnant women who reaches sky high on glucose levels.
December 2016, I opt to start my maternity leave to prepare for delivery. I wanted a natural birth because I want a lot of kids.. January 9, OB said I am 1cm dilated, I was asked to go back after 1 week, then I went back and complained about abdominal pains and she said Im only 2-3cm dilated, I was again asked to go home.. January 18 I had a membrane sweep at 4cm and it triggered labor.. 2 hrs of labor and my cervix arrested at 5cm, my baby just won't come out. Doctors decided to perform a C Section...
I heard him cry, I was so happy I thought everything was okay then he was taken away from me, after a few hours his pedia went to the recovery room and told me my SON has to be intubated because he cannot breathe...
All went black starting then, and he was a NICU baby, and it feels like there is nothing that I can do to carry him in my arms, he cannot breathe, he cannot eat, he cannot even scream...
AND THAT's the most painful part of being a mom... To see your child suffer and helpless.
I named him Lucas, and his story will be shared on my next post...
