Let me go back to where I started. At first I decided to write because I need to vent, I needed to rant I needed an outlet. I wanted to spill out all of my emotion from its rawest form. I wanted to let the world feel how down I was. Until I decided to pause for a while and recuperate. I wanted to give myself time to pick myself up and start again. And then here I am. Writing my final write up about the bittersweet moment I had when I gave birth to Lucas until the day O had to send him to his final destination.
Through prayers, slowly, I learned to accept and ask for forgiveness to the Lord. I even had to confess to surrender my sin of losing my faith when I was in a turmoil. Through mother Mary I find peace. Through mother Mary I find comfort, protection and assurance. She always make me feel that she is with us. Whenever I pray to her, I don’t stop praying because I’m waiting for her to talk to me until I feel secured and relieved. Being a angel mom and being pregnant with a rainbow baby, emotion is always at its peak, anxiety is at its worst but then I realized there is nothing that I can control and the most that I can do is to pray and have faith.
To my son Lucas, know that mommy and daddy is missing you. It could have been your first Christmas with us, you could have been a big boy now learning to talk and stand and walk. It could have been us as a family but God has another plan for you. I’m still in pain but I am happy to think that you are beside Mama Mary and you are slowly preparing your wings to fly to watch over all of us. I miss you anak, at mahal na mahal kita. Be with us Lucas as we pray to the Lord and Mama Mary that your brother is healthy and will live with us here on earth. Lucas anak I pray that you find peace and eternal love in heaven. I love you with all my heart and you will always be my Lucas, my first born, my first love.
This is my last letter as I grieve for Lucas, I am not a good writer, I may not be perfect to please everyone but for me what’s important is I give all of my heart as I write this piece.
As I write today, I will end this painful part of me and promise myself to have a new perspective as I write again. I will leave everything behind but not my love for my first born son.
Thank you Lord for the gift of life, for the gift of family, for the gift of a loving husband.
Mother Mary, you know what my heart desires. You are also a mom who understands what I am going through, bless me and always be with me through your maternal heart. Mother Mary pray for us who have recourse to thee.
Photo credits to me: sugarrainbow