It took so, so many hours to complete (at 3am!!!)
The strange part is that even as my fingers struck the keys with a furious intensity, I KNEW no-one would get through the whole thing. It wound up being something like a 20 minute read.
Because I had to! I have known I cannot go on with my journey here or in life right now, without committing my somewhat positive, somewhat harrowing story to the page to exorcize some of the demons I feel stalk me at the moment.
I know. I am aware that this sounds over the top, melodramatic a little sensational. It isn't.
Now that I have outlined my recent experience with quitting smoking and ended up in an even worse predicament with my health because of it. I feel I can plan again, the post will (as so many do for me) act as a snapshot in time which I can measure my life against to test how I improve going forward.
I would rather have this document detailing how I actually feel right now that I can read back in 3 months, 6 months 5 years... Instead of relying on my memory which is pretty poor right now.
Toward the culmination of last nights post I made an uncharacteristic promise;
Tomorrow I will write a far shorter post on why, I am incredibly positive and hugely optimistic about my journey forward, even though it may not sound like it. I promise I am not dwelling and do NOT want pity for anything I have wrote here.
Last nights post was massively emotional to write and in many ways was a sharp coming in to focus of my own tenuous mortality. However when we approach the bottom in life, unless we are chronically unlucky, there is usually only one way to go, right?
I am ready to plot a course from where I am to where I want to be.
It is a far better prospect than stagnation coupled with ongoing deterioration which is where I have found myself of late.
My priority is to try and bring my health conditions back in to normal parameters, this is going to be far from easy but so are many of the most worthwhile goals we can set for ourselves, right?
If a person is willing to go to extraordinary lengths, the kind that most people are not willing to, surely they can reasonably expect extraordinary results, the kind most people could not reasonably expect right?
I know how I would rather approach tomorrow as far as my mentality is concerned. I expect to reverse my diabetes issues. I expect to strengthen my lungs again now that I do not smoke, I never fully accepted the diagnosis of COPD anyway. I fully expect my joints to become reinvigorated with the supplement/oil combo I have begun taking. I expect to lose the excess fat and reduce cholesterol issues and grow muscle and reenergise my metabolism.
I have some rather more complicated issues regarding cortisol in my system that requires some out of the box thinking and an auto immune issue that has caused a particularly aggressive scalp condition a form of psoriasis and 'possibly' psoriatic arthritis causing me issues when my feet take my weight, making the metabolic issue all the more important to solve and drop weight again.
This last part will cause a challenge but challenges can be fun when approached systematically, right?
Either way I make this pledge to myself and state it here.
When this year clicks over to 2024, I WILL BE HEALTHIER!!!
Next up, it seems like my job will close to me shortly as I am not going to be fit for the duties expected of me. Maybe they will make some special accommodations for my conditions for a short time.
Ultimately though, they would expect me to go back to the dire situation that contributed to so many of my issues in the first place.
It is not a feasible long term plan.
So I have other concerns to contemplate. I have been sick from work for a month or so and will run out of company sick pay soon. Basic sick pay will not even come close to paying our mortgage, let alone, covering my youngest daughters accommodation for the last year of drama school.
I am trying to plan out a financial plan that enables me to work from home so that I can focus fully on my health while earning enough to scrape by for even the short term.
I am not very confident on this part, if truth be told. I will try though and see if I can make it work.
I made one other promise to finish off in this post and it is a BIG claim...
Tomorrow I will give the ultimate secret to quitting smoking, right there and then, my lady and I both attest to its efficacy. Despite everything I have written about the issues I have suffered, I highly recommend smokers quitting, if they can, and of course if they choose/want to ASAP.
I realise that this bit is going to sound overly simplistic and an incredibly basic snippet of advice. Just because it sounds too simple does not mean it doesn't work though.
It is as though something clicked in my head and a couple of things instinctively made sense... Where I had failed dozens of times before this time I succeeded simply and so did m'lady.
I hardly believe I am about to say this BUT when I went to bed and thought about not having a cigarette the next morning.
I realised that was exactly it, the answer was obvious... I didn't think about how was I not going to light one or about how will I cope with cravings or what if I felt stressed, angry or upset...
I simply thought...
People asked me in the early days, how will you cope with going out socially, or how will you manage passing the smoking hut at work when all your friends are smoking and I always answered the same way.
I already know I am just not going to have one!
I hope you got the nuance in that.
The ONLY thing that mattered is that I already knew I was not going to have another cigarette. EVER!
I could (and can) hardly believe it was ever an issue!
It was as simple as making a decision akin to saying, no thanks I don't want coffee right now...
It was like I had realised that I was in control of making the simple decision not to smoke and I believed the words coming outta my head.
Thank YOU for taking the time to read my post and if you're one of those amazing people who like to hit the comments section... Then I doubly thank YOU!
Either way I want you to know that you are appreciated!
@c0ff33a If you are an active UK member and would like to be added to the teamUK community on Discord, just let me know 馃槑