Until the last 3 years I lived a life of hiding my true self. I hid for about 20-30 years. I attempted to conceal or deny any part of myself that wasn't perfect, that someone might disapprove of or disagree with...my opinions, my body, my preferences, my joys and my pains. I say I lived a life of hiding, but it really wasn't even living. It was faking and posturing. Scanning and planning how I should behave based upon who I was around at the moment. Seeking security by blending in. Not being real. I was good at this. Most folks around me did not know my angst going on inside.
The thing is you can't just hide parts of yourself. When we try to hide the "bad" or "wrong" parts, or even just the lesser societally valued parts, we end up building a wall around ourselves, which hides the good stuff as well as the bad. We become just a facade to look appropriate on the exterior. But we've hidden and stifled the expression of our joys, our pains, and our ability to make any genuine connection with another person.
Hiding is a deeply ingrained coping mechanism inside of me. I am type 6 on the enneagram, which I will go into more on another post, and that's hope with cope with anxiety. Hide it. The habit developed to deal with my lack of confidence, but it grew into a beast that affected every aspect of my life.
I have worked my ass off for YEARS to overcome the habit of hiding and my internal angst. My only goal now is to be real. To be honest. To be open. To be authentic.
So the reason I blog and share what I do here is to continue practicing this newly developed skill of being real. I can easily slip back into old habits if I'm not mindful and continue practicing not hiding. This is freaking therapy here for me! 🙏🏽
I'm done holding my tongue and modifying who I am to meet the expectations and approval of those I'm around moment to moment. This page feels like liberation to me! Does my ego like the praise and attention I get? Yes, Of course that feels good. But I swear, the main experience for me in sharing what I do here is just freedom.