Sometimes, life is scary,
I'm scared of others, scared of myself, scared of the randomness of the universe. To live in the moment is not always the easiest of tasks.
I once told a doctor that I am afraid to leave the house, because of the wickedness of man. I once told a doctor that I am scared to leave the house, because I may be hit by a bus. I once told a doctor that I am afraid of death, and that by staying in the house, I minimize the risk associated with living.
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The doctor helped me calculate the odds of such risk, and of course, the odds were low indeed, but it didn't make a difference in my mind.
I asked the doctor:
"Do you think anyone was hit by a bus in the world today?"
The doctor replied: "Yes of course, it's a daily occurrence."
I then responded:
"Do you think the individuals who woke up this morning and were hit by a bus had any inclination whatsoever that they would be hit by a bus?"
The doctor responded:
"Of course not."
I said: "I rest my case."
That indeed, if I left the house everyday, I may find myself as a statistic one day. Of course it would not matter. In the blink of an eye I would have about a split second to realize that I was about to become a statistic, and that was considering I even see it coming!
What a conundrum of a state to live in, when you actually ponder dying on a daily basis, and feeling like it should not be that way. That people should not wake up, leave the house, and find themselves dead.
Do you really think every person in this world has lived up to their potential when their life has ended so abruptly?
Do you really think every person in this world has fulfilled their purpose in life when their life has ended so abruptly?
And here is the irony of it all my friends....
In my blip of existence on this planet, no signs have made themselves present of an afterlife, no such enlightenment, no such moment of "knowing", no such awakening.
And why should it?
Most people who proclaim their faith in God tell me that they just know he/she is watching over them.
I ask them how they know such profound faith...what sign have they been given, or shown, or what profound hardship they have survived to encumber this knowing?
Because my friends, I have cheated death many times, I have woken up on stretchers, I have woken up in hospitals, with IV life support keeping my heart pumping blood, I have had doctors tell me that I should not have made it, I have fallen down and hit my head so many times I am surprised to be cognitive enough to even write this. I have slept under bridges, I have starved for months at a time, been a slave to drugs, and I am still here. Some would call this a sign, but I do not.
When I was laying there close to death, I never had a divine moment, I never felt like I had been set free, or given a sign...
I merely thought, "Well aren't I the lucky one...." Sarcastically speaking..
You see, when you cheat death, you don't exactly feel like a million bucks, when you hit your head on a concrete floor, you are in pain for a while, and it's not fun, when you look down at the shotgun you tried to load to kill yourself with, and realized you were trying to jam the wrong shells into the chamber, you just end up feeling like an idiot....
You see, it was a sign for me....
A sign that I suck at trying to die, trying to die the way I thought I might die.
I would rather die by an act of my own volition, than to be victim to the unfair randomness of the universe.
because when you conceptualize the idea, that nothing really matters, that we are literally only here for a spec in time, and that whether or not you fulfill your purpose makes entirely no difference at all, it starts to take on a real bleak reality.
I think about the poor souls who are victims of murder, and rape, human trafficking, and slavery, and wonder, why didn't they get a chance to fulfill their purpose? Why did that innocent child have to be born with a disability, why did that poor young woman get snatched up to be a human sex slave while she was on her way to school....?
A college student who is studying medicine, and may have found the cure to cancer gets hit by a bus...We'll never know. A girl who was born to be an artist gets her fingers destroyed in a terrible hiking accident.
Superman becomes a cripple by falling off a horse...
And yet, There is something beautiful about this randomness...
Sometimes good things happen to people to change their life. Sometimes a drug addict gets a sign and never picks up again. Sometimes an entire families fortune is changed because of one person becoming successful in their blood line, and it all seems so entirely random.
The day I woke up with a concussion, and saw a shotgun loaded incorrectly was the day I stopped using drugs forever. I knew that I really didn't want to die. I knew that I needed to face my fears, and let go of the past, to forgive the ones who had hurt me, and accept the randomness of the universe. It is so random, that I couldn't even kill myself due to its randomness...How's that for irony?
I still struggle with leaving the house. I still fear that someone will try to hurt me..but I do it anyway. Not as much as I should, but change is not always easy. I refuse to give up, because within this randomness, you still have the power to manipulate it, ever so slightly.
Take control of your destiny.
Sincerely,
The Alter(ed) Ego
