The day begins, except it’s already noon. You fed yourself breakfast with half a grapefruit, and congratulated yourself for it, though only because you’ve been told that only if you appreciate these small steps can you ever make progress: become a functional human being. Today you’re on a roll: not too many hours wasted so far, you jump in the shower because you understand that’s what normal people do. You pee in the shower, because that’s what everyone does when they’re home, and look at your piss as it pools around the drain. Dark like a dead leaf. Remember to hydrate yourself later, but for now rush out of the shower and put on the first full set of clothing you can reach, anything to replace the blanket you slept in and wore like an ill-wrapped toga throughout the morning.
Three minutes to noon, and in the four hours you’ve been awake, you’ve done what anyone can do in twenty minutes. Try not to think anymore about what’s wrong with you: that’s how you spent the morning, but that’s not how you can afford to spend your day.
What next? Music. If you don’t play music you’ll only hear the howling wind that tormented you all morning, too perfect an accompaniment to your grim contemplations. YouTube: but wait, the site recommends some lectures with interesting titles. Despite how minute the predicament, you wonder how you’ll ever get through it. Then you remember how you managed to dress yourself (another small step to appreciate, if you find yourself capable) and decide you can proceed only in a rush.
YouTube search term: “Rush playlist.” Select the top result: “Freewill.” Do your best not to contemplate the subject. You only sought music to drown out the wind. Figure out what you need to do.
(No: figure out what you want to do. Know that you have tasks to accomplish, but don’t forget to do this one either.)
Take a break and eat the other half of that grapefruit. You have a lot left to do today, and half of it passed before you even get started. Don’t pause to ask why you do this to yourself: just get back to work.
You’ve completed your first task! But even though you know there’s a second task, you don’t know what it is. Take two breaths and make sure your jaw stays unclenched: you’ll figure out what you need to do.
Almost three hours later you realize night has fallen, and “Freewill” by Rush has started playing again. While you can’t say you’ve done nothing, all you’ve accomplished since you completed that first task has been an effort to address mistakes you made yesterday, and you can’t help but think that you’ve made even more mistakes while trying to address the prior.
Without anything else to do, you decide you’ll push forward. That grapefruit will keep you going for another hour at least, though now you realize that’s exactly when you’re scheduled to meet with your virtual team.
You decide that’s a problem you can deal with 45 minutes from now. In the afternoon you forgot the maxim you adopted when you streaked from the shower: to rush forward without hesitation. Now you just need to know what to rush into next.
Nothing caught your interest, and you realize with a sigh that you didn’t even start figuring out what you want to do. Instead you spent half an hour with eyes closed, dreaming while awake of simple pleasures you immediately forget when your alarm warns you that the meeting’s about to begin.
The virtual meeting goes fine, or anyway as much as your teammates can tell how little you feel invested in the project, you can spin a few ideas off the top of your head that keeps everyone from freaking out. You actually laugh, thinking back on it (the first time you’ve laughed all day), because every supposed ambiguity that caused them so much panic had been easy enough to unravel for someone who just doesn’t care so much. One hour later, they might think you’re an idiot, but for now you’re a productive idiot: five minutes after the meeting ends, and you’ve already got the outline finished.
You’ve been awake for eleven hours, and you decide that’s long enough. Whatever’s left to do, you can do on a smartphone while you lay in bed thinking of the unknown tasks for you to accomplish tomorrow, and of long list the mistakes you’ll have to fix. You realize you forgot to drink water: something else to fix tomorrow. Something you should plan, but you don't ever follow your own plans, don't ever see anything through to the end. All you do is rise again, again, again: your lifetime routine.
But tomorrow, you tell yourself, you'll do your best to get out of the house, if you remember. Not good to stay inside all day: you end up having days like these. Fall asleep, reenter that reverie even though you'll only forget it when you wake.
