Hello everyone.
I figured I'd write an update here, as the people who are up on my Steemit are basically the 'last stand' of individuals who actually care for and see me. So thanks for sticking around guys. I don't share much, and personally I share even less but I have to share this somehow, and I have zero people in real life I can share this with. I am 2 months pregnant as I write this.
2.5 years ago, my then fiance downloaded a free app game, called 'Transformers: Earth Wars'. My intuition knew right away that this game wasn't going to bring joy, but my fiance wanted to "relive the nostalgia of playing with his transformers toys." I guess I could understand that. After all if there was some awesome Sailor Moon game I may be incredibly tempted. Since giving birth to my first child, I have decided to stop video gaming as I believe rearing children is far more superior a game than any video could match. It has major rewards, and as a bonus, you get to watch your sidekick level up every year. There's lots of similarities between parenting and video gaming and a LOT of my ability to cope with major stress is due to video games. I am not here to harp on video games and say they are all bad. It's fun, its an escape from the humdrum, and they do a lot for hand eye coordination and strategy mindsets.
HOWEVER. This particular app game has 'loot boxes'. If you are not familiar with the term, loot boxes are basically gambling. You spend some money (usually around $20) and you either get something good or you get total crap. My fiance was the sole provider of income for our family. I was never alright with this dynamic but its what we could do to offer our son the opportunity to be homeschooled, which he asked for many times over. He was also spending an extra $80 to $200 a week behind our backs so he could get the loot boxes he wanted. We lived paycheck to paycheck. He would buy some with the credit card and some with the check card.
This went on for 2 years. I saw the money draining from the account but he assured me that everything was 'fine'. I moved away from my stable life I had built for myself on the road to be with him. So I have no friends here to talk to (that are not mutual friends who have known him since high school), and a majority of my friends (save for ONE) still talk to me from my previous life working on the road. We had our baby and so I relied on him for perhaps too much, perhaps trusted him too much, however, still no excuse to use someones trust in you against them.
I found all of this out about 2 months ago now, and yet still, I am uncovering the truth bit by bit. Still, if I do not drill him and pressure him for the truth, I get half truths. On the day my dad died, he told me he could not drive home because we needed to save gas money. He spend $50 in game that day.
I will say I have learned that when you give your heart to someone and they deny the gift it is not you who is not enough. You were brave and they gave into the temptation of cowardice.
To top it all off, he was in chat rooms where porn and degrading women was the norm, there were mostly single men and he would talk to and appease the single men with images, songs, and videos they could all agree on. There was no shift into a family man mindset unless it was in front of me. My life literally became his deception. He the played as the decepticons. There are no coincidences. Oh yeah, and they talked about in game stuff from time to time.
He was looking at pics of these women so much that he couldn't look me in the eyes while we made love, and barely looked at my body. I am a slender, lithe woman, my curves are definitely in my legs and butt and not my chest but that's okay and I love myself now. This has actually pushed me to focus on what I love about me. Focus on me and my body type and how it's okay that I don't look like a porn star because I don't even want to! I feel ashamed for letting his outside actions become my inner narrative for a time.
Do you know how much porn stars have to pay to look the way they do? Make up artists need to eat too! It's a crazy day at the office everyday for them, and its work just like any other job.
Service with a smile.
Men will SAY they want a 'natural woman' yet will jerk off to a breast implanted, sayilic acid injected, hormonally whacked out, make-up (made-up?) woman. Sharing seed with her is just as energetically effective as sharing seed with someone in real life. The energies associated with lovemaking had been lost. Our society is in a very unhealthy state when survey after survey finds almost all men look at porn and pass this off as "totally acceptable" male behavior. These sites are probably degrading, vile, and filled with scenes of women consenting to disrespect themselves or be disrespected by others. Then we wonder why men disrespect their wives, girlfriends, spouses by ogling and making disgusting comments about other women. Well, we do live in a class society and that is some low class behavior. Please don't sugar coat this as "men being men" because if a measure of a man is how much he hides from his lover, lies to his family, harms himself, but if his paycheck is good than he's a good man consider me out of the game completely. This is a pathetic attempt at rationalizing asshole behavior so women can continue to be degraded and harmed. All men came from a woman and when you die, your bones will become the great mother. WOMEN AT THE CENTER.
artwork by 
To Men: If she birthed your baby (babies), carried on your legacy, lost her maiden body and is poof no longer attractive or made to feel special in private and public with you because you think somehow that men evolved to sleep with as many women as possible then I feel sorry for you in a way that sorry cannot express. Evolve past the caveman mindset. Women have, as we no longer sleep with as many men as possible to secure adequate seed for our children. Just because one man had many wives does not mean that those wives slept with only him. Stop living in a delusion. We need you at the fire men.
We are working together on healing and re establishing trust. He deleted the game and all chats associated, unsubscribed from emails, and we both deleted our facebooks (which was librating and awesome. 12 days left until mine self destructs) and have stopped use of instagram until we're both comfortable again. He is still a close friend, and I love him very much. Our son, and this other soul I now carry, and our family as a whole deserves us to try. But I cannot trust a thing he says to me. When he says "You're beautiful." I just want to push him away and tell him to go say that to more pixels. Moving into the now from the past is also a transition in and of itself, especially when that past becomes easily self identifiable.
Though, I am now finding I haven't ever had an easy time trusting myself, so I am grateful for the opportunity to dig in the dark soil and find a seedling there to bring to light.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done, save for this pregnancy. Morning sickness lasts all day. Animal products of any kind seem to make the nausea worse so I have been doing ginger tea, lots of water, pickles, crackers, pretzels, apple cider vinegar in water, and magnesium citrate. I'll be getting prenatals and supplements tomorrow, which should alleviate a lot of the morning sickness once my body gets used to them. My son deserves a more active mother, I feel bad for feeling what is natural. I remind myself that when I feel sick, it is proof the baby is well and alive. Big L is very excited to be a big brother.
"Though we share this humble path, alone
How fragile is the heart
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly
To touch the face of the stars
Breathe life into this feeble heart
Lift this mortal veil of fear
Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears
We'll rise above these earthly cares."
-Dante's Prayer
Thanks for reading. I had to share somewhere. If you get any messages you feel inclined to share please know I thank you in advance. I'll be posting a LOT more artwork and articles. Thanks for holding out while I took a break. Now I know how to bend, so I do not break. _
