The 1st time Chuck Norris tried bowling he rolled a 301.

Chuck Norris was embarrassed the first time he was caught getting a blow job. Miss Douglas, his 5th grade teacher, was even more embarrassed.

Steel wool is harvested from Chuck Norris' crotch.

Chuck Norris' Doctor is in the hospital. Things went downhill fast when he explained to Chuck what he was gonna do in order to conduct a prostate exam.

Chuck Norris' tree house has a fully finished basement.

Chuck Norris only shoots his enemies if he wants to give them a chance

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can light a cigar by clapping his hands in front of it.

Chuck Norris always carries a ice cooler around with him so he can store severed hands of people who where brave enough to shake his hand

The last time Chuck Norris farted, Steven Seagal was born

Chuck Norris once read the entire Merriam-Webster dictionary backwards in pig-Latin, while roundhouse kicking 30 ninjas.

A Bear can smell a drop of blood 2 miles away. Chuck Norris can smell fear 5.

Chuck Norris is the 'n' in 'nth degree'.

Chuck Norris silenced noise.

Chewbacca says "Sir" to no one except Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

When speaking in public about his multitude of lifetime accomplishments, Chuck Norris always appropriately refers to himself in the fourth-person.

If you're ever stupid enough to ask for Chuck Norris' credentials, expect to witness something completely mind-blowing and impossibly awesome just before your brutal death.

Chuck Norris is clever enough to do crossword puzzles in ink.

Chuck Norris lettered in 14 sports in high school. He would have had won letters in 15 if ass-kicking had been an officially recognized sport.