Chuck Norris is so fast that the GPS speaks to him in the past tense.

Chuck Norris can chokeslam anybody with both of his hands tied behind his back

Chuck Norris doesn't need "get out of jail free" cards in Monopoly because no cop is fool enough to arrest Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't give his wife anniversary presents. The honer of being Mrs Chuck Norris is enough for her.

Chuck Norris recently did the ice-bucket challenge. And naturally, it turned to steam before it could hit him.

When Chuck Norris was 8, he had to have his dad pick him up from school. Chucks car had broken down and was in the shop for repairs.

When Chuck Norris needs to travel by plane, he makes BA Baracus fly him.

Zebras were created when Chuck Norris kicked the color out of horses.

Jesus didn't walk on water. Chuck Norris carried him.

Chuck Norris once had unprotected sex with Tila Tequila and didn't catch anything.

If Chuck Norris ever says to you, "relax, I got your back", do not for a second believe that he is going to protect you from anything! Because that means he has just ripped out your spine.

9/11 happened because the Taliban are too spineless to attack Chuck Norris head-on.

Whenever Chuck Norris strangles a tiger, he gets Frosted Flakes.

I Chuck Norris, you Chuck Norris, he she me Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris, Chuck Norrising. Chuckology the study of Chuck Norris, it's first grade Spongebob

Chuck Norris was asked if he had ever gone skindiving? Chuck replied "no, but I've gone muff diving hundreds of times".

Chuck norris briefly lost his erection the other day, the destruction in chile was devastating

When Chuck Norris farts, it gives off the smell of the interior of a brand new vehicle.

when Chuck Norris leaves a good first impression, 9 chances out of 10, it's usually the sole of his boot on there face.

the reason they found water on mars is because Chuck Norris round house kicked it in the face

Chuck Norris once sold his soul to the devil in exchange for the power of the roundhouse kick. After signing the contract, chuck quickly roundhouse kicked the devil in the face knocking him unconscious