If Chuck Norris gives you a bag of wet mice for a Christmas gift, consider yourself lucky! It could have been something related to his foot and your face.

If Chuck Norris was president, we wouldn't have any wars, everyone would be badass, and there would be no more military. Chuck Norris is enough

When Chuck Norris showers with his new apprentice he says "I hope you ain't a faggot because then I'm gonna fuck you in the ass, because I hate faggots!"

It is against Islamic law to depict Mohammed. But no one has ever called Chuck Norris on ripping Mohammed's balls off. They're in the Smithsonian.

Global warming? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once needed hemorrhoid surgery. After breaking 2 sets of bolt cutters and a chainsaw, doctors had to deploy 2 bunker blaster bombs and an acetylene torch to adequately complete the surgery.

Chuck Norris can sell pornography to a blind man.

Chuck norris looked at a grayard and said what have i done

Chuck Norris understands the lyrics to "Louie Louie."

A fight broke out at a bar between a gangster who had a gun, a farmer who had a bat and Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris proceeded to win the fight with only a 3 inch piece of dental floss, a stick of chapstick,

Chuck Norris was so pissed, he accidently hit something that borke the moon.

Chuck norris once put a forest fire out by spitting on it.

Chuck Norris uses barbwire as dental floss.

the moon has craters on it cos once Chuck Norris had sex with it and gave it syphilis - and small pox

Chuck Norris can ignore the call of nature for 36 hours, but he can never ignore the call of duty.

Chuck Norris had a brief stint as a lumberjack until he almost cut his penis down by mistake

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot.

Chuck Norris was at a restaurant when the waitress asked if he would like to try their Tofu. Chuck said "lady, I'd rather piss upwind in a hurricane".

Recently a heckler told Chuck Norris "I'll bet you've seen Steel Magnolias". Chuck immediately replied "I'll bet you are gonna see the imprint of my fist in the middle of your face".

If Chuck Norris ever shook Sir Richard Bransons' hand, Virgin would have to be renamed Harlot.