A bird in the hand is worth two in the tree. Chuck Norris is worth six hundred and sixty-six trillion dollars and the Budweiser brewery.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris is so fast that when he stops he has to wait for his shadow to arrive.

Chuck Norris always carries a ice cooler around with him so he can store severed hands of people who where brave enough to shake his hand

On his days off Chuck Norris actually gets along with people quite well. Chuck Norris never takes a day off.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can parallel park a tank.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes KILLING.

Chuck Norris gets more ass than a toilet seat at the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Sufferer's annual national convention

Attitudes have a Chuck Norris problem.

Don't ever make the mistake of staring at Chuck Norris or you will find yourself picking up your teeth with two broken arms and counting them with two black eyes.

Chuck Norris can open PDF files with Microsoft Excel.

Step on a crack, Chuck Norris will pulverize your spine. Then plow your mother.

If life hands Chuck Norris lemons, he makes beer...

When Chuck Norris plays live, he declines the traditional guitar solo and instead strangles an actual cat into the mike.

The only thing you can do to please Chuck Norris is to volunteer to be his personal punching bag.

Chuck Norris drinks bear milk.

If Chuck Norris were to put notches on his bedpost, the bed would collapse within two months.

Chuck Norris invented the internet? just so he had a place to store his porn.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.