According to Ellen Ensher a professional mentor ,
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Have you ever had that awkward moment in a professional setting where you have had to make a split-second decision to shake or hug? I have. And if you are like me, you may have wished there was a set of guidelines about when to shake or hug or “shug,” as like to call it! So, here goes, seven rules to make that inevitable moment less awkward.
A shug is a word I made that captures the action of turning a handshake into a hug, usually in a professional setting. The shug can be a great way to personalize a moment and show warmth, or it can be a potentially risky act that might backfire. However, I think there are a few rules to follow that can make the shug an expression of appropriate, professional and human care, not a risky, creepy self-serving, oh-crap-you-are-harassing-me kind of move.
Recently, at Loyola Marymount University (LMU), we had our annual commencement. Leading up to graduation, there was a series of award ceremonies, celebrations, and many opportunities to observe myself and others making the crucial decision to shake or hug. There are valid arguments on both sides of the shake/hug debate in my work environment at LMU.
On one hand, we are a friendly campus and emphasize caring, personal relationships, and collegiality. One of the most frequent things we hear on campus is that “everyone is so nice”. And yet, there are valid reasons to NOT hug someone. As a woman, I have been on the receiving end of my fair share of creepy, unprofessional, squishy—oh my gawd is he touching my chest?—hugs! So, when you think about it that way, there is no question: the shake is always safe and the hug could be risky. And yet, I noticed there is a whole lot of hugging going on. I see it happening all around me—where people evaluate, in a split second, should I hug or should I shake? There is a way to turn a professional handshake into something more personal and still professional.
Our University President, Tim Snyder, is a master at the shug. Every single graduate comes up and receives their diploma, a handshake, and a photo. But I noticed something interesting about Tim. He seemed to have an unerring knack for determining when to shake and when to hug or shug. As I looked around at my colleagues and students, I realized we had a lot of very happy people and appropriate shuggers. It seems like those who shug appropriately follow a few simple rules.
For example, at LMU, we have a tradition that when students graduate they walk through a gauntlet of faculty from their respective colleges. As faculty, we offer our congratulations and many of us hug our students. Some of us feel comfortable and love this (full disclosure: I am a hugger). Others feel like this is inappropriate and awkward for our students. I don't think there is one right answer. I do think each interaction is a judgement call, so here are some rules to follow:
Ladies first, usually.
Consider status and setting.
Keep the hug loose.
Verbally suggest or warn people,"Is it OK to give you a hug?” Or, "I want to give you a hug," and notice how they react.
Consider the side hug.
Make a mental note of who likes hugs.
When in doubt, go for the shake.
Consider status and setting. This was a joy-filled semester for me—lots of award ceremonies—and I gave and received lots of hugs. Each time, I considered status. If your recipient is at a lower status, you start the shug. In a power position, I usually wait for them to initiate unless my read is we have become close and have crossed the professional divide into friendship. There is also the show shug. So, for example, I have noticed at award ceremonies if the first person of status hugs, then others follow suit and do the same.
Keep the hug loose—avoid the octopus hug. I will never forget being a young HR assistant at a local hospital. Every month, we had an employee service awards ceremony and literally my stomach would hurt as the president would give the younger women very tight, long hugs. So creepy—I used to hide from him to avoid those octopus hugs. A professional shug is loose, open and very public. It's a bit like the "bro-hug," only more professional.
Verbally warn people that you are about to shug. One of my favorite things to do is give a verbal warning that a hug is incoming. You might ask if it’s OK to give them a hug. Or, I sometimes will say, "I want to give you a hug." And then I watch their non-verbals. A lot of times it is very mutual but a few times I have given the verbal warning and then backed off as I saw they looked uncomfortable. I would then joke, "I want to give you a hug but I am not.” Instead I offer my hand and say something self-deprecating like, “I want to give you a hug but I am too intimidated—your talk was amazing!”
Consider the side hug. The side hug, like the loose forward hug, is a nice variation and a way to express professional chumminess without getting too close.
Make a mental note of who likes hugs. My doctor is a master of this skill. I am lucky enough to be under the care of a highly specialized and sought after physician who not only has a formidable IQ and research record but is kind as well. She figured out early on that I find it comforting to get a hug from my doctor. I doubt that she writes down in her notes, "Hug Ellen, she needs it." But even if she did, kudos to her for caring enough to bother.
When in doubt—go for the shake. The shake is safe. Go for the shug only after weighing your options.
Why shug when a shake is always safe? Well, I think even in professional settings we bring our whole selves to work, and a shug executed well can help us form connections that are deeper, build a positive culture and communicate human warmth and caring, or cura personalis as we like to say at LMU ("care of the whole person" for you Latin lovers).
How about you? Know any masters of shugs? Any rules to add? And, in the spirit of care of the whole person, I would like to ask that we keep our comments civil and kind and in the spirit of respectful disagreement. After all, on the other side of this screen, we are all humans with feelings and emotions who may or may not want a shug on occasion.
