There are days when I feel that, no matter how hard I try, it’s not enough.
It’s not something I say looking for pity. In fact, I find it quite difficult to talk about these things. But there are moments when you’re left alone with your thoughts and start looking around.
I look at my sisters and see that their shoes are already pretty worn out. And I think: “I’d like to buy them a new pair.”
But I can’t.
And that creates a feeling that’s difficult to explain. It’s not just sadness. It’s helplessness. That feeling of wanting to fix something and simply not having the means to do it.
Then mealtime comes, and maybe there’s just pasta with a little sauce. And it’s not that we’re going without food. We eat. We’re together. And I’m grateful that I can say that.
But inevitably, this thought comes to mind:
“Is this all I can do?”
Growing up, we didn’t have much either. My parents did the best they could with what they had. Today, as an adult, I think I’m finally beginning to understand some of the things I couldn’t understand back then.
I understand what it means to look at your children and want to give them something you simply can’t afford.
And maybe that’s why, today, I have a fairly simple purpose.
I want my sisters to have the basics.
I can’t always give them everything I’d like to. Many times, I can’t even afford certain things for myself. But I keep looking for a way forward.
A job, a project, an opportunity, anything that might help me improve our situation a little.
Sometimes I fantasize about ridiculous things. Winning the lottery, for example, even though I’m not even someone who plays the lottery. 😅
Or simply having my work valued someday and earning enough to be able to breathe a little easier.
I’m not trying to become rich.
I want to be able to buy a pair of shoes without having to think for days about whether I can afford them.
I want to sit down to eat without mentally calculating how much money is left until the end of the month.
I want to be able to say someday: “This time, I can.”
And in the meantime, I keep going.
Because perhaps that’s the strangest thing about adulthood: sometimes you don’t keep going because you have the strength.
You keep going because you have no other choice.
And maybe someday, when I look back, I’ll be able to say that all this effort was worth it.
Photo and text are my own. The photo was taken by me.
