The other day a friend of mine said, “I need to learn how to chill out!” I was thinking he was talking about how uptight he is because he gets really wound up about a host of things. Actually, he was talking about wanting to just relax and do nothing and finding that task harder than you'd think.

I've finally realized not everyone is like this. My wasband is definitely not like this. He can veg out for hours. No guilt, no mind racing. It was always a struggle to determine if it was more annoying or impressive. In any case a friend once told me, "you can't yoke an ox with an ass."

I'm like my friend, and I get the distinct feeling most of us on Steemit are like this too. I don't necessarily need to be out and about doing stuff, but if I'm sitting still, I'm almost definitely typing or playing a game with the kids or reading. When I'm not doing those things, I've got to do something physical, usually cooking, cleaning, or laundry. My daughter says I can't sit still. I guess it's true.

Why? I feel guilty, that's why.

I think it's part of being poor. At least it's worse when you're poor. I always feel behind, like I need to catch up or maybe make up for something with the clean house. I still have some of that pull yourself up by your bootstraps and work really hard thing going. There's an idea that at least I know I tried not to be poor. Of course that's not how any of that works. It's crazy. It has to stop. Honestly I take very little time to read even. I feel like I'm trying to prove my worth here. Am I the only one who has this major issue with worth appearing over and over and over again?

I don't think feeling worthy will result in me just lounging about all day. It's not in my nature, and I honestly think balance is good, but maybe I will be able to relax and do nothing occasionally. Just sit and think. Or watch a movie - that's not nothing, is it?

I'm really working on the worth bit. Leaving the wasband was so, so crucial. I've seen a lot in the last week encouraging women to not stay in abusive relationships so they don't end up dead. That's a really important message and also an insanely low bar. Don't stay with anyone who makes you feel small or doesn't see the magnitude of your greatness. Walk away from that shit. Anyway, I am so very grateful to have so many wonderful people in my life who are regularly reminding me how awesome I am.

It's interesting to note that I originally intended this post to be about children and how so many parents have their kids on these crazy schedules of school and sports practices and martial arts and theater and painting and gymnastics. It seems to me another symptom of the same disease. I am grateful to not have this symptom. People are trying to prove they are worthy by trying to prove their children are worthy. This crap drives me nuts, and it starts early. My baby sleeps through the night/is already crawling/says 17 words/knows the alphabet/can play Mozart/already owns his own business. For real. People get crazy about this stuff, and they think it makes their child better and therefore makes them better. Well, everybody can just settle down because I have the most amazing kids. I'm kidding. Sort of.

So here are these small humans, who are totally dependent upon their crazy pants parents, being told from an early age that whoever they are is not enough and that they must cultivate lots of skills and be incredibly talented at all of them so they can be enough. It reminds me of Elizabeth Bennett saying to Mr. Darcy, “it's a wonder you know any accomplished ladies at all.”

The worst of it is that these schedules leave no time for unstructured play, which is actually what grows your brain.

I know I'm on this intense kick about capitalism, and I don't want to necessarily say that it's responsible for all our ills, but this whole drive for competition, to be the best, to stomp out the rest, well, it sure as shit isn't helping. Keeping the work force downtrodden is how they continue to suck up all the fruits of our labor. We give our all, and when we get back so little, it's terribly disheartening. We compete and do our best but seem to fall short each month. This despair just makes us better cogs in the machine. Ok this is getting depressing. Let's roll out on a high note, shall we?!