I’ve read some of the other lifestyle blogs. They seem to all have one thing in common. They’re all sucking the dick of fruits and vegetables.
You read Goop and they can’t wait to tell you all the great ways to enjoy fruit. I have to tell you, I’m not a fan. I think we’re getting fucked here. If any other product had the failure rate of fruit we’d have the CEOs of that company in front of Congress getting drilled by everyone.
Here's what to do with apples, STOP BUYING INTO THEIR BULLSHIT!
They say fruits and vegetables are healthy because they have this shit called vitamins. Know what else has vitamins? Vitamins. Vitamins have a lot of vitamins. They’re made up almost exclusively of vitamins. So if you really want some vitamin C in your body. What are you doing reaching for a dumb old orange? Just reach for an actual vitamin made up 100% of vitamin C.
I’ll admit. I like some of these things. I think that fruits taste okay sometimes. I like pineapple and oranges. Occasionally I’ll have a banana or two. They’re tasty I like them. I like salads sometimes too. I really like avocados. Or I should say that I really enjoy avocados for the roughly 20 minutes when avocados are good. Eat them too early and it’s about the densest and least flavorful thing out there. Any time after their due date and it’s a mushy rancid goop. No thanks!
You have a Skittle and it doesn’t matter when it was bought or how long those Skittles have been sitting out. They’re going to be delicious. So what are we still fucking around with fruit for? Who is it that's behind what has to be a giant cash grab? Fruit is expensive. Way too expensive for what you’re getting. And it’s way too expensive for how long it lasts. So quit being bamboozled by fruit.
Even worse than fruit is it's ugly relative vegetables. Gross. At least fruit tastes good sometimes. Vegetables pretty much only exist to deliver ranch to your mouth. Fuck vegetables even more than fruit. I'm done. Eat a bunch of fat and carbs and then have a vitamin. It's the same thing. You can trust this. It's on the internet.
Alright. I gotta go. My foot's a little tingly.
