Hi there Hiveans, I hope all of you are fine. This should have been my first post really after I came back from my forced hiatus, nonetheless words failed me. It's like I almost forgot how to write lol. I tried to write a couple of times and on both occasions I fluffed up and lost my content. I guess the first post is always a struggle. I managed to write a part of this post and saved the draft, today I managed to retrieve it and fill up the difficult blanks, it wasn't easy though.
Dreams often fall by the wayside as life rushes past us, but that shouldn't stop us from dreaming. If your dream don't come to fruition change your dream to fit your current situation. A life without dreams is a life without hope or color, who needs such a life? Besides there is no point in crying over what is bygone, its in the past, it is behind you. Make the best of what you have 'now', that is the principle I've always lived by.
Life changes tracks when you least expect it, even if you had some premonition, it turns out much different than what you expected it to be. Life is just as imperfect as we are, to expect life to be perfect is foolishness. To take the imperfect and make something memorable out of it is what makes this imperfect life perfect.
Whining only doubles our troubles, being positive and hopeful makes life livable. The funny thing about life is when you think you've been through the worst and you can't possibly go through anything worse you fall deeper into the ravine. However, its the tough phases in life that make you stronger and more resilient; I have learned this lesson once again.
They say when it rains it pours. I have been through one rough patch after another, sometimes testing my physical strength but at others my mental and emotional strength. There was a short (almost fleeting) period when I thought I was going to break down. When you are at a point where you cannot get up and walk, let alone do other things, you face the greatest challenge of your life. You tend to question the very purpose of your existence.
Funnily the friends you expect to support you say/do the weirdest things that makes you wonder if they were truly your friends. Words have a habit of hurting the most when you are down and out, especially when they are uttered casually and maybe thoughtlessly. These just add fuel to the fire. It's up to you find the strength to crawl out of that dark place and find the light within.
You need to dig deep to find that dwindling source of strength that could help you to crawl out of the hole that you have fallen into. Dig deep within I did and found that streak of light which helped me crawl out of my hole. I've always known that external support and motivation can only take me some distance, but when it really mattered I need to be my own source of strength and support. I don't blame people that is how life is.
In the month of October I suffered a couple of heart attacks within a fortnight and had to have two stents put in to help reduce the pressure on my heart. I have a long family history of heart issues. Three of my five sibs have had open heart surgeries and my mom died of a massive heart attack. I knew the dangers lurking around all along and made major changes to my lifestyle yet it seems you cannot prepare enough. This was the easy part.
I enjoyed the new freshness and freedom that this surgery brought and went about cleaning up the house, then came the second blow a prolapsed disc and sever pain. This meant that I could not get up from bed for months. However my son being a neurosurgeon knew exactly what the problem was and treated the condition right away.
I wasn't able to sit up or travel in a car to get an MRI done for three months and finally when I was able to sit up for an hour or so last month the outbreak of omicron made it impossible for me to get that MRI and the right treatment. I still wait for the MRI to be done,I just hope and pray that I don't have to go through another surgery. I have in the course of the last four months developed a great allergy for doctors and hospitals. The funny thing is my older son is a doctor and the younger one is training to be one LOL.
Amidst all this I had a fall, yeah I tripped on a piece of overgrown wine in my garden and this set me back by another two months. Thankfully though the pain kind of increased I guess my back held up. I had to suffer in silence as telling my family about my fall would get me banned from my garden which is my emotional crutch at the moment.
I am getting better by the day, I still cannot sit for long and have to lie down every little while, but I am so glad that my life seems to shows semblance of normalcy and I hang on to it dearly. To be honest I would be ungrateful if I whined. My whole family was by my side through all this. My older son understood exactly what I was going through physically and emotionally and has been my pillar of strength.
I have always been proud of my ability not break down when troubles come but these four months have taken me to the edge. Thanks to the never ending support and encouragement from my family that I have come this far.
Tough as things have been I believe there is hope as long as there is life and I hope to make the best of this borrowed time I live on. I'll take one day at a time, I guess there is enough to handle in a day's worth of events, thoughts and emotions.
All Images used in this post belong to me.
Thanks for reading through it all, thank you once again for your support and love.
