Recognize the fact that other people are not going to fix your depression.
Recognize that no amount of love and kindness from another person is going to give you the permission you need to be kind to yourself.
I have been depressed for the majority of my adult life. That gray, tasteless kind of depression where joy feels like a lie and even good sensations are like gravel on my skin.
When we are ill the doctors take care of us. But depression - that's all on us, baby. And once that fact sinks in, I mean REALLY sinks in, it will transform from absolute terror to relief. Because once you are not dependent on other people to fix it, that means the power rests entirely within you.
A conversation is not going to fix this. A hug is not going to fix this. Trying to pour your sadness into an other human being like a black hole is not going to fix this. The only thing that's going to fix this is to begin the long journey to fixing the broken mechanisms inside of you, to take those long worn and rusty pieces of you and start to make an attempt to create the things in you that are worth living for.
Sounds impossible? It's not, but it is very hard. I am not denying it is very hard. And that's what these people who say "We're here for you." Don't understand. It's not about other people being there for you. YOU need to be there for you. For once in your life. You have to take together the broken spark and the unplanted seed and find even the smallest hint of something good, even if it's a phantasm of a dream you had once, and use that get yourself out of this.
The house that is you is burning. You don't "just stop burning." Of course you don't. You have to understand depression operates under physics and because you are at the low end of almost completely stopped motion it will take more energy and investment than other people to get you working again. But once that happens - it will become easier, because at that point you are in motion, and motion engenders more motion.
So go find a therapist. Get some medication if you have to (Although the efficacy of antidepressants is about the same as placebo). Read up about cognitive behavior therapy and trauma and self compassion and somatic therapy. (Somatic therapy was most helpful for me). Be selfish for once in your life. Take time for you. Change if you have to. Leave your job and get a new one. Leave the state. Quit doing the things that are obviously making you miserable. But understand you have to be there every step of the way with you. And you will make mistakes, and you will backslide, and it will take years probably.
But the possibility of waking up without that gray cloud is worth it, isn't it? That's why you're still here. And that's why you're out in the dark, quietly suffering, hoping your head doesn't go under. Because a part of you believes it can get better, and it can.
So don't reach out for hep from another person. They can't help you.
Help yourself.
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