Four paintings on a gallery wall, each around 1m square. Use each corporations fonts and colours. Just do it – buy a pair of trainers. Wow. I’m lovin’ it – actually, I’m not. Maybe she’s born with it –

Commission a portrait of all the currently cloned animals in the style of George Stubbs. Show each one in the traditional heavy gilt frame.

Cast a life size bronze of a mother and son holding hands, make the child around 6 years old. Cast another, different mother and son holding hands, again the child will be around 6 years old. Place them

Have a lifesize cast made in silver, of an attack dog. Place it on a street corner.

Tip a ton of Afghan heroin onto a gallery floor, and smooth it out to a depth of 5 or 6mm. Make sure it’s the brown one, so it looks like the desert. Get a 1:50 scale model of Kabul made and put it in

Rent a self storage centre. Fill it with memories.

Plumb 60 urinals into a gallery room. Set them to flush in sequence, 1 minute apart.

Hire a top-tier gang of bricklayers, real masters at their art, and have them start building a circular wall around the Serpentine Gallery. Around 3m high, this must be one of the finest brick walls ever

Record the sound a swarm of bees make and play it very loud in a gallery.

Place five white stone plinths in a darkened gallery room, each one will be lit from above. You decide what broken promises to display, I’m going with a crack pipe, an empty whiskey bottle, 20 broken

Buy a copy of the Financial Times, open it to a page showing stock prices for companies involved in the infertility industry, circle them with a black marker pen. Place the opened paper on a babies activity

Have a lifesize copy of the Venus de Milo made in Carrara marble, only this time she will have arms, as she will be looking down at a cell phone sending a text. Stand her on a plinth outside the British

Unless you’re really pretty wealthy, old age might not be something to look forward to these days. Medical science may be able to keep you going many, many years past your expiry date, but what’s the point

Buy 200 bottles of cough mixture, the 500ml size. Reprint 100 to say Pure Evil, the other 100 to say Pure Goodness. Put them back on the shelves and see which one sells the most.

Buy 200 boxes of your favourite laundry detergent. Reprint 100 boxes using the same fonts and colours to read New Improved – Pure Evil. Reprint the other 100 in the same way to read New Improved – Pure

Cover Nelson’s Column in satellite dishes and microwave antennas.

Tow a really big iceberg up the River Thames and moor it in the Pool of London. Watch it melt.

Joseph Beuys met Francis Bacon once, he told Bacon that he was an artist from the past, he (Beuys) was the future. I can see what he was getting at, figurative art being superseded by conceptual art and

Buy an old fashioned barometer. Change the wording so it reads evil on one side, good on the other.

What we can afford to eat…choose to eat, have to eat… Make a steel table 6m long by 300mm wide, about 700mm high, enameled in white. Take any primary school class, and display their open lunchboxes on