simianamber

This changed me.

Fit some coin operated tourist binoculars to the railing of the members balcony at Tate Modern. Whenever they’re used, a recording of waves crashing onto Brighton beach starts to play, until the money

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Using coal dust and resin, make dozens of lifesize copies of tree trunks. Pack them tightly into a gallery room, floor to ceiling, so there’s just room to squeeze between them. Visitors will get filthy

Have some metal racking made, 5m high by 100mm wide, with 50 shelves evenly spaced in the height. Make each rack 35m long. Place 100 of these shelving units next to each other with a 1m gap between each

Have a signwriter enlarge an annual year-planner onto a gallery wall, make it around 5m high, with the length in proportion. Handwrite someones weight on January 1st as 9st 4lbs. As the year progresses,

Cut a hole in the ceiling of a gallery room, about 200mm diameter. Place a stone plinth directly below the hole, about 300mm2 by 500mm high. Have someone drop a crystal ball through the hole, so that it

Using ‘smart’ scent technology, deploy a number of scent delivery systems throughout the National Portrait Gallery. The delivery system as a whole will be linked into a central processing unit, which will

Build a fairface block wall across the length of a gallery room, from floor to ceiling, about 30m long, 1m or so away from the existing wall. The visible side of the wall should be plastered smooth and

Place a pencil sharpener on a plinth, with its blade removed.

Cut a circular hole in the roof of a gallery. Place a bed under the hole. Visitors can lie on the bed and look at the stars.

Have a signwriter paint ‘walk on by’ across the front of a gallery building.

Mount 200 digital cameras on tripods and place in a circle, facing into the centre, in a gallery room. Set them to auto. Connect each one with a USB cable to a Macbook, lay the macs on the floor in a larger

Videowall a gallery room. Install several airport x-ray machines in the entrance of the gallery, and continuing into the room itself. Stream the images onto the video wall.

Hire a ‘clean graffiti’ team to stencil the phrase – BUY THIS onto some local pavements.

Using angled standoff poles, hang 365 large Union Jacks in a row along all four walls of a gallery room, so that the bottom of the flag is just above the floor. Have Land of Hope and Glory playing quietly

Print 1000 eggs with the words CHICKEN PRODUCT. Make a circle with them on the floor of a gallery room, kept at the right temperature. The piece is finished when the last chick has hatched.

The crossroads thing, you sell your soul to the devil for…what? Paint a crossroads on the floor of a gallery, make the ‘roads’ about 4m wide, with the crossroads itself in the centre of the room. Suspend

Hang 7 neon signs in a gallery room, any combination of colours – they should flash sequentially. I want to be an You are not an Stop being an I need an I am an You are an There’s always some fucking

Collect sixty tons of rubble from Aleppo, and dump it on Horse Guards Parade. Buy five tanks, a Russian T-90, a French AMX-56, an American M1 Abrams, a Chinese ZTZ-99 and a British Challenger 2…paint them