Last Friday, my classmates asked me to go out for dinner together. But I avoid it. After the exam everyone wants to drink alcohols and we made a time to do it. I wanted to go, but I couldn't. For me having time with others is uncomfortable and afraid.
That is a trauma. After my old friend left me with bad words, I changed. My friends said that I was changed, I make people trying to stop to come closer. I can understand what they want to say.
Maybe that is right. Because I am afraid that someone leave me. I thought that she was left me because she hate my real appearance. After that I became used to hide real me and I could do it well. I kept some distance with others to hide me.
I tried to be positive and just show my appearance what they want to see from me. To have time with others means to me especially having meal or alcohol together means I should be close with them. And that always makes me afraid that I can't hide my real appearance.
I thought that I was ok, but I wasn't ok.