What's up guys this winter's welcome back to my channel and welcome back to another infj love life and dating video today I want to talk to you about like this thing that so many of us have what we feel like our partner should be our solution and when I say solution I really mean to solution to life once we have that partner who sees us as this incredible person once we have somebody who understands us once we have somebody who fulfills all our needs who appreciates us and realize what great things were doing for them then our life will make sense that kind of attitude I had for the longest time I didn't know that there was anything outside of that everything else to me didn't seem like love I thought that's the only way love should be and yeah it got me into like a lot of bad situations where he came to LA like year-long crushes that didn't go anywhere when it got to me like getting into relationships that just like pulled me down because I was so focused on making that work that I fell for everything you know how you say you have if you don't stand for something you'll fall for everything and what did I stand for what do a lot of iron if J stand for they stand for this relationship for making that relationship work for making that person feel special and for making that person feel special the way they are without having to force them to do any kind of compromises but in the end no matter who you need they're not going to be like you and they will never ever be able to fulfill all of your needs like the my first relationship I got into I was 16 and it lasted until I was 23 so that was a really long time and that was what a nice teepee so you can imagine how much like first off I'll learn through that how much it also gave me because you know polar opposites I really felt that you know because we kind of like merged into this one person and mentally just had like this one life and this one outlook and he was my solution I really thought that but the end you know especially when you know somebody a little longer you realize how much of that was actually projection and it's not the other person's fault it's just that there is just no way that person can be everything you want them to be you have like this image of what you want them to be and then you kind of like force that on them and the same way is if that person is projecting onto you and most of the time if you're projecting so much there's always you know a give-and-take there's always something going on with the other side like as well it's never that only one person projects and the other one isn't projecting at all if you have like a working relationship right so that's when all of those dependency things happen when you have like a narcissistic relationship or whatever it is what you feel responsible for the other person's well-being so no matter how you act you are you feel like you're responsible for that person feeling good and you feel like no matter what I'm gonna put that relationship above everything and I used to be somebody who took pride in that like I remember there was this interview with mary j blige like I don't know 15 years ago I don't remember and it got stuck in my head until today because she said you know I I went through such a bad breakup that afterwards there was always this part of me that I was not willing to share with anybody that was just mine and I felt when I heard that like that's so sad like I was still in that first relationship and I thought that's so sad like to love this way that you have like this part of you that you don't want to share with your partner and that like poor thing she had to like she went through so much that she feels this way I do not feel like this at all right now I see the beauty in that because in the end what are you saying what is she saying in that moment she's saying there or this is how I interpret it of course it's like different but for me that that like statement makes so much sense now because we're saying there's a part that I'm gonna give to myself that is not negotiable I'm not putting my relationship over everything and then thinking like me finding that relation me being in that relationship will be the solutions to all of my problems because it's not it's always going to be an illusion if you aim for that and you're actually putting way too much pressure on the relationship on your partner and you're putting way too much of a like like like not only a pressure on them or in the relationship but on you what you have to do and imagine yourself if you've ever been in a relationship like this where you felt like this how much you're actually like really allowing yourself to only go in relationships with people who need you for me for the longest time I always chose people that I felt oh if they only had me in their life I would see like you know what's not going well in their life how they're not like acting or seeing the world that is most beneficial to them and then once they see it they will feel like they need me so much they will appreciate me and they'll give me everything I want there was like this intense need to have that kind of gratification from my partner that kind of feedback and that's the whole thing with expecting my partner to do everything for me in order to feel good and it's like a lot of people say well for ein if J's that's like no you want you know close relationships and just a couple of ones and then of course the relationship your intimate relationships supposed to give you that much but the only reason why we feel this way it's because if we're not developed it's easier it's easier to just you know not go out and kind of get all our needs met in organic ways that are outside of our relationships our relationship becomes this thing that is supporting us of who we want to be so I'm not saying that I'm not like helping my partner become the best version of himself but if he decides that's not my main priority then I let him be I'm not focused on that because me saving him you know how I used to always feel me saving my partner like if I'm not able to do that then I'm not a valuable person I'm not worth being loved and so on and so forth no I know well no I actually get all of my needs met outside of that relationship like like all mental things of who I want to be what do I want to achieve you know what's the video before like this one where it's like you don't know what you want but kind of like something is missing once you really align your life and really design it in a way that is giving you all of that then the relationship can be that thing that only relationship can give you you know like really having like a close bond and quality time and support and all of those things that are all you know what a relationship is supposed to be and how that can really be the icing on the cake and make your life so much better and like like deeper and more fulfilled but it's not that if that relationship didn't exist then I'm waiting I'm waiting to live so this is me I oh I felt like I'm waiting to live until I find a person because only through them I could live the moment I realized this is not gonna happen I realized that because I really sacrificed absolutely everything in order to get it and still didn't get it and then realize I can't keep doing that that's when I really showed up that's when I said I'm gonna really make it a point of who I am I'm not gonna compromise certain areas of my life because I will make sure that I will go for what I want for me that meant you know like really stepping out of my comfort zone and saying I am taking charge of my life I'm not gonna always wait for my partner to do that and then feel like once I do that people will feel like you know like that's not for me because she's so independent and she knows what she wants but I needed to make that sacrifice I needed to know that I'm responsible for my happiness I'm responsible for my life I'm responsible for everything and now the relationships I have not only like my intimate relationship but like also my friendships my family dynamics and everything there are 10 times better because they're much more authentic because I'm not sacrificing that little thing that I said that it's just mine that I've already sided that's me that's me that doesn't matter who I know or who's in my life that's just something I do for me and there's nothing wrong about it this is beautiful right I needed to understand that and once I you know approached it this way as I said my relationships all got thousand times better like it's unbelievable and you know I know now that it actually makes me feel so much treat like free like much more free because there is not this thing oh if my partner doesn't like me or you know he doesn't like what I do then like I'm lost I don't have anything that's that's dependent like that dependency is gone and because that dependency is gone I actually can have much deeper relationships than before because if you still feel like your partner is your solution you're not being authentic you feel like I'm saying you but me at that point and I know a lot of INFJs are like this if you want to have this like close bond and that person is the solution to everything you're still doing it with a strategy in mind even if you're not aware of it and that strategy is I have to make that relationship work I have to make that person see me a certain way for me to feel good and then you don't act out of like this is my authentic self and I'm doing this for me but you're doing it I'm gonna be that version that he or she wants to see what they feel most comfortable like with how they're gonna feel great about their life and the thing is this once you're like make that switch and you say no matter what if it comes to this I'm always gonna choose me like it does not mean that you're not doing compromises at all but like for example it's just you showing up as your own version and the thing is this once you've made those decisions it doesn't feel like oh I'm not being kind enough towards the other person it doesn't feel like this because that's just you for example let's say let's say you don't like classical music you just don't right and there's never a discussion about it so if you meet somebody who loves classical music you might say yeah we can listen to this from time to time but you know I like my I don't know reggae music and this is what I'm listening to we can maybe compromise from time to time but I am ready I'm not classical music but before in that example I would have been let me dive into the classical music world I'm just gonna like really ignore the fact that what I love the most which is reggae I'm just gonna neglect that because that's not what he wants to listen to and I don't want to force him into that and I want to spend as much time as I can with him and so I'll start loving or appreciating you know I'm gonna start appreciating classical music but more so because he likes it and not because if I was home alone I would choose classical music I might choose classical music in order to understand him better to kind of like get into this world but if he wasn't there in I knew classical music and I knew reggae and I knew hip-hop and stuff I would go towards reggae this is of course just an example I like classical music and just like I was like reggae but I'm not like you know that one thing is awesome and the other one is bad but like you know what I'm saying and so as long as we keep thinking our potential relationship or our partner is our solution we're never ever going to be able to really live out the best life possible and you'll see your partner will also benefit from you being that version of yourself like so imagine what if you liking reggae and you sticking with that and I'm saying you can still make compromise but that you stayed and you say well this is who I am and this is what I believe in that that actually like broadens his horizon or her horizon and that that actually makes their life more interest because they actually like really see your perspective of life and that helps them to like realize more and more things so you're not just adapting to them there's a part of you that is not negotiable and when you have that part that is not negotiable your partner cannot be your solution it just can't it can be like a great addition it can be a support system it can be the thing that really makes your life more beautiful but in the end you have this thing and this thing your internal growth your internal being bringing out who you are what you love about yourself and about like the way you see life that's the thing that is your solution and once your invest in that like everything else falls into place and you'll see people that you made so many sacrifices for and relationships that didn't work they either vanished completely or they transform themselves and suddenly you see how people love you for you being you and not for what you're doing for them altogether I mean I'm not saying you're not gonna help them I'm not saying you're not gonna be supportive but you have like something who you are which is outside of who you meet this is an authentic version and like that should be your solution that is really the you know the the core of the fulfilling life that we all desire that's at least my understanding that's how I've been living if you have another opinion you know like let me know let me know below I can just tell you this worked for me this worked for a lot of people I know I've never been happier and yeah it's just worth it and I'm definitely gonna like really preach it because whoever can benefit from it great who doesn't agree with it you know like people we have different like preferences of how we want life to be you know don't watch stuff that makes you aggravate it when you feel like well I don't believe in this and this aggravates me so I'm just gonna watch it and just get mad about why why do that do the things that make you feel good about your decisions or where you want to go or if you want to learn from like the different perspectives be open to it right but in the end it's all on you you have the only your only one with the power to decide how you want your life to be okay so make that decision you're the only one who can nobody can save you be the one who really makes those decisions for you and don't put your relationship on such a pedestal that you say that is my solution to life change something like change their perspective if you have it and you'll see how much more fulfilling your life can be okay I hope that helped you if you liked the video give it a thumbs up and subscribe and let me know in the comments what you think I wish you a great day guys and I'll talk to you next time bye
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