Photo by Felix Russell-Saw on Unsplash
John is your average senior in college or newly minted young professional. One evening he joins his friends at a local pub, and bumps into a pretty, young woman, spilling her drink. He apologizes profusely and offers to replace the beverage. She smiles and assures him it’s no bother, the bartender can replace the drink as it was an accident.
Maybe it’s the way she smiles, her shoulder length blonde hair that reminds him of of the way the sun sets on grain fields on the family farm, or that she’s grabbed his wrist to assuage him, but he can’t help thinking about how much he wants to kiss her.
Or maybe he’s just been a little lonely his gnat-like conscience suggests.
Whatever the reason, he musters up the courage to ask if she’d like to go out sometime. She looks at the floor and then, with a subtle shyness, lifts her head and eyes just to where they meet his and says, “I’d like that.”
Internally, all the characters from Disney’s Inside Out are high-fiving and doing back flips at the control station of his mind. Until they remind him to play it cool.
The First Date
John takes her to a trendy diner where they eat farm-to-table fare and grin nervously at one another under the low ambient lighting. She shares about growing up in the city and her work. As the evening progresses she shares about her struggles with depression and chronic anxiety.
“To be honest, it’s been hard to meet anyone in this city,” she tells him. “I feel like my anxiety and depression run off any chance of a relationship, but I can tell you’re not like them. You really seem care.”
She flushes and says, “Look at me blabbering on and sharing too much! Tell me about yourself!”
That night John goes home and tells his roommates about the amazing girl he’s met that’s so open, honest, and transparent.
“What!? High Five Dude!” | Photo by Zachary Nelson on Unsplash
Two weeks later…
John finds himself on the couch sucking face with the young woman after watching a romantic comedy. “I like you so much,” he whispers, breathing hot passion into her ear. With sudden speed, she pushes him away and glowers with her icy blue eyes.
“Promise me you won’t be like the other guys,” she pleads.
Confused as to the sudden turn of events, John stumbles over his words. “I’m…I’m not quite sure what you mean,” he tells her.
She grimaces, folds her arms, and turns away. John tries to reassure her by placing a hand on her shoulder. She brushes it off.
“Did I do something wrong?”
When she finally turns around John can see the beginning of tears creeping around the corner of her eyes.
“I just..” she trails off for a moment wiping at a tear. “I just really like you too. All the other guys I date have left. I don’t want you to leave too. My dad left when I was young and most of my friends leave me at some point too. I can’t bear the thought of this happening again.”
That night John goes to bed brushing off the interaction. So she’s been wounded in the past? Everyone carries wounds. She likes him. Even told him so. He thinks about them kissing, smiles, and drifts off to sleep.
Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash
A month later
John and the young woman are official. They head into the city for a concert with his friends. When they arrive John makes a round of introductions. One of his close childhood friends, Becca, is there. He hugs Becca and introduces her to his new girlfriend. Later, while waiting for the concert to begin, Becca tells a funny story from John’s childhood. The group roars in laughter. John’s girlfriend, however, storms off.
When John finds her in the hallway, she refuses to look at him.
“Babe…what’s wrong? Talk to me.”
She whirls and jams a finger in his chest. “You like Becca don’t you!? Admit it! There’s some secret childhood crush! I saw the way you flirted with her in there!”
“That’s ridiculous!” John protests. “Becca is dating my roommate, Lucas! We’re just friends! We grew up in diapers together. Where would you even get the idea I was into her?”
After more back and forth, she breaks down and sobs. “I’m sorry… It’s my anxiety. I worry you’ll leave me. I’m so sorry.”
Photo by Sam Burriss on Unsplash
Three months later
John is at his wits end. The girl he used to think could do no wrong is now an emotional vampire. She demands to know where he’s been when he’s out with friends. She asks to see his text messages. Sometimes when they’re together, she shuts down and tells him he’d be better of without her and that they should break up. When he asks if that’s what she wants she cries, “See! Just like everyone else!” and reminds him that no one in this world could love her.
John cares for her, but is worn out. Deep down he wants to break up, but worries she’ll hurt herself. She’s been making threats the past couple weeks. Plus, what kind of man would break up with a girl who needs all the support and love she can get? She appears more stable around him after all.
What’s he to do?
The Three to Six Month Rule
While John’s story is fictional, the events are not. I imagine we all have a friend who’s dated someone like John’s love interest. Everyone else knows they should split, but they continue to torture themselves and stay in the relationship. Whether they feel they can “help” the person, feel trapped, or worry about being single and lonely again, plenty of men and women stay in destructive relationships. Then, the whole thing implodes after several more months (or years) leaving both parties frazzled and wounded.
One peculiar thing I’ve noticed about dating is that everyone seems to follow a pattern.
First — like our character, John — we become infatuated. The guy or girl we’re dating is AMAZEBALLZZZZ and can do no wrong. We’re off in LaLa Land and any warning signs about potential hazards ahead are ignored. We dwell on their beauty, the smile, or that kiss. Perhaps even how different they are from a previous relationship.
Second, we notice a man or woman’s subtle flaws or shortcomings. Due to the newness of the relationship, however, we continue to overlook them. Often we can believe these are minor minefields to navigate on the radar of relationships.
Third, the relational dumpster fire begins. All the flaws and shortcomings are on display and you either stick it out, delude yourself, or break up.
Around three to six months into dating, you’ll notice the things you don’t like about them. These can range from habits or mannerisms to mental health issues and codependency. The women I’ve dated (even extending to my wife), either stuck it out or split right around this timeframe. Once you see someones shortcomings, you’ll choose whether this is a level of crazy you can handle (because we’re all a little crazy if we’re honest). It’s seeing all of someone and their imperfections and choosing to stay with them, regardless. In its simplest form, this is known as unconditional love.
Some people, however, will stay in toxic relationships ignoring the warnings under a warped sense of duty they deem love (much like in John’s example). So how can you differentiate between the two then?
Gut Resistance
Deep down, a man or woman will know whether they need to break up with the person they’re dating. There’s a nagging feeling in their gut. But behind that gut check is a lot of fear and resistance. What’s behind the opposition then?
Steven Pressfield once wrote to those struggling in their artistic craft about the reasons behind resistance. While he wrote to artists, it still applies in life and is helpful regarding dating. He states:
“Resistance is experienced as fear; the degree of fear equates to the strength of Resistance. Therefore the more fear we feel about a specific enterprise, the more certain we can be that that enterprise is important to us and to the growth of our soul. That’s why we feel so much Resistance. If it meant nothing to us, there’d be no Resistance.”
For centuries sailors used Polaris (The North Star) as their “True North.” Anytime they got off course they could gaze into the night sky and course correct. Resistance does the same thing. It always points you in the direction you should be heading — towards your true north. The reason we fear breaking up is that deep down we know it’s what we should do. That gut check reminds us we would be healthier in the long run were we to spilt up.
If we listen to resistance, we end up doing more damage in the long run too. Is it loving to stay in a relationship with someone who threatens to hurt themselves if you leave? Or isn’t that manipulation? Who grows healthier and who grows sicker? The cold reality is you both grow sicker in a relationship where one person is unhealthy and the other is resentful. A quick, relational band-aid won’t give them the healing they need, and only further taxes your emotional bandwidth.
There’s a scene in the movie Bruce Almighty where Jim Carey’s character stands on a table and tries to use his new found “God powers” to make his girlfriend love him, but it doesn’t work. She ends up leaving him. Their relationship had grown far too toxic because of his own flaws and it took her leaving to grasp this. Relationships where you know you need to break up are the same way. One person is standing on the table begging you to love them and using every form of manipulation to make you stay.
But the best course of action is still the same for them to grow healthier. Walk away.
