The light too bright, noise echoing from every corner of deserted forest, my hands trembling, I struggled to keep my hands fixed on steering. I changed the gear but felt my sympathetic system could no longer save me from the danger that lies ahead. I could sense that death was coming. In any moment that windshield will break into tiny pieces and I would be no longer shanzy but a near dead body! A dead body…may be a corpse for medical college student. I pushed through the breaks, struggled to keep my focus. Praying every verse of Quran I had memorized. A flash of memories ran through my head; my time with parents, my siblings and it was only yesterday that I was playing in the park with friends. Those laughter and cheerful faces crossed my eyes. The moment of happiness that spread across my cheeks when I got admission in Medical collage four years ago. Tears ran down my eyes when a flash back of all those cherished moments with friends came.
“Honey wake up!’’ ‘’daughter please open your eyes…” with a shiver I opened my eyes and heard my mom’s words. Mom wiped the droplets of sweet that rested on forehead. For a moment I felt relieved by the thought that it was just a dream but a second later I realized that where was I. I looked all around, white walls, white ceiling beside me was another bed with white clean sheets.
It was a hospital I saw my little sister crying and holding my hands.
“What was I doing in hospital? What was wrong with me?” Different questions emerged at the same time. I was still breathless and was trying to grasp as much air as I could. I tried to speak but felt like I had no voice. I was terrified by the condition was in and then I heard my mom as she kept on moving her hand on my forehead and hair. “It’s okay Shanzy, you will be fine” my mom whispered slowly. After few minutes doctor entered the room and was happy to see me I guess I was awake that’s why. He inspected me, checking my heartbeat and asked me how I was feeling now. I struggled with the words and uttered them slowly “Fine Doc”
“I am afraid to say you don’t have much time,” said the doctor. “What???... what do you mean by this?” I inquired. “2-3 years in maximum may be”
“Is there any cure Doc? What happened to me?” I was in shock. Doctor said with grief in his eyes; “you have lymph node cancer”
“Cancer? Cancer!! This word was spinning all around my head and make me again speechless.
“I have heard chemotherapy helps” my mom asked wishing for any possibility or hope.
“Yes it helps…” the doctor replied, “can make you live for a year longer or so but death is bound to come”
I stood up! I don’t know from where this energy came from. As I could no longer bear what the doctor was saying, I left the room leaving the conversation in the middle. I felt like my heart was drowning, the earth beneath my feet had slipped. Mom came to hold me in her arms as I was unable to walk further.
I was feeling less as if I had nothing else to say to myself I slated at my mom, looked at her eyes which were filled with tears. She fought with her tears just to calm me down but I knew everyone was quite inside as their hearts were clenched into a giant’s fists. There was a big silence. No one spoke a word. Only the words spoken by the doctor echoed back in my mind. “Will I be dying in a year or so?” I repeatedly asked myself, and this thought hunted me for hours and it will keep on hunting me till my last breath. I sat beside the window while starring hopelessly at the trees in our garden. My home felt like it will no longer be mine. “I have few months to live” I again told myself. I spend two days in my room. I was unable to talk to anyone. My mom came several times, made me my favorite dishes but I could not swallow. I felt like all the colors of my life changed to grey. I somehow gathered some courage to go back to my collage, after few days. My life was felt aimless. Through all those lectures I sat still unable to penetrate any knowledge. Teachers trying so hard to convey. All what I was thinking about was I worked so hard to be a doctor. My goals, my aims, my resolutions, every event meant to me. All my life I wanted to treat patients and help people recover from disease but now I am begging God to give me a healthy life before I can become doctor. Tears ran down my cheeks which caught my teacher attention. He came towards me asked “shanzy are you okay?” I stood up and run towards class door and left all my classmates two months symptom of my disease started to appear. People all around me wanted to know what exactly was wrong with me. I was on chemotherapy and everyone is well aware of its adverse effects. I started to lose my hairs which could be easily visible to my friends. I could no longer hang out with friends at collage as I could barely walk for few minutes. With constant illness and the symptoms increasing in intensity day by day, I started losing many of my friends. I knew how they felt hanging out with sick person. A person who is pale, baled, could barely walk due to fatigue, could no longer enjoy parties.
I was slowly getting isolated, away from my friends. Months passed by and now I could not travel, even from one room to another. I missed how I used to study for exams and how I used to actively participate in my class in my class, how I used to actively stand bravely to confront any situation in my college.
“I have to fight,” I told myself with a hard tone. I struggled to get up from my bed and stood with all the strength I got and stood in front of mirror;
“Shanzy!” I firmly said, “I don’t matter how many days or weeks or months you have to live, what matters is that either you want to die as a fighter or just give up and wait for the death angel to arrive”
This help a lot. All of a sudden a felt a force inside me and then I was determined to fight with no matter what came in my way. I decided that I will live the rest of my time as the happiest person on earth blessed with everything a person can have. This thought completely changed me. I was no longer worried about my looks or my death and then a miracle was about to happen, my phone started ringing…
“Who could possibly call me?” I asked myself in amusement. It was my principal. It was the happiest moment of my life. I never felt more important in past few months. He offered me a foreign trip to Boston. Woman’s cancer centre Boston started a new research on lymph nodes cancer and they wanted few patients to test new drugs on them. I told mom excitedly and she could see the spark in my eyes, a spark of happiness and hope.
In two days I was taken to Boston along with my family. I didn’t know how to thanks my principal and secondly, all those college students helped and participate in collecting funds. My treatment lasted six months. My fever and cancer almost to its end. I was recovering!
“Dear Shanzy! You are so lucky… God has given you another life” Doc smiled at me.
Yes, no doubt I was blessed with another life. Death passed so closely by my side whispered and frightened me but what I learned was never to be afraid of death and every difficulty can be overcome, you just have to accept what you have and be happy of what God has given you. When I accepted my death and was determined to fight with it, I was able to think straight.
Now the colours of my life are returned, making me look full of colours. More than my looks my soul is satisfied and happy. I have everything now because I have the happy life. Every morning I can enjoy a cup of tea with my mother and I am happy to have these sweet moments, nothing else matters to me now...
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