I am a very quiet person. I suffer from silence more when I go to a new place or am in a crowd of people. When everyone is talking effortlessly, laughing, expressing themselves loudly. I stop looking for new words. Because my words go through my mind many times before they come out. I know that I am an introvert, but I can't always accept this fact.
Being an introvert causes me a lot of problems. The biggest problem is that people think I'm weak. And gradually I start thinking of myself as weak. When I go to participate in a discussion, I think, is my voice really important? Will anyone listen? These fears make me even more silent. Then, even though I appear calm on the outside, I'm very restless on the inside.
It has happened many times, I know what to say, but I don’t have the courage to say it. I feel like it’s better not to say it now. But later when I see someone else say the same thing and everyone is praising it, I get very angry with myself. I feel like I’m holding back because I can’t. Then being an introvert becomes a limitation in my eyes.
In this society, speaking means being confident. And being silent means being weak, this idea hurts me the most. People often ask, “Why are you so quiet?” They don’t understand how many thoughts and how many feelings are hidden behind this silence. I keep quiet because I can’t say everything lightly.
I love being alone. When I am alone, I can think for myself and understand myself. But when I say this, many people think that I am antisocial or lonely. Then I think, am I really wrong? Why can't I be like everyone else? These questions make me weak inside.
The most difficult thing is that because I am an introvert, I have learnt to think of my strength as a weakness. I have considered speaking less as incompetence. I have considered not being able to express myself as a failure. And these thoughts have gradually reduced my confidence.
But with time, I am learning to understand little by little being an introvert is not a mistake. I speak less, but I listen carefully. I don't mix easily, but when I have a relationship, it deepens. I don't like crowds, but my feelings are very real.
Yes, I still feel weak sometimes. I still keep quiet in many situations. But I don't belittle myself anymore. I'm learning my silence is also my identity. Just being who I am is enough.
I may not be the loudest person,But I know how to feel my way. And that is slowly becoming my strength.
