It sometimes feels surreal and unreal how a very silly little moment can turn your life completely upside down. In a bad way.
I've been living in a nightmare for the last month and a half, and I don't know if I will ever recover. If things will ever go to normal for me like they used to be.
One emotion that has been quite prevalent during this process was pure anger. I was incredibly pissed that we can't turn back time. It's so scary. Like, how? How can't we really go back in time and fix everything? What are we supposed to do with what was left from that silly moment? How are we supposed to live like that?
And, I know. People go through horrible things. Way horrible things than what I'm going through. But thinking about this doesn't really lessen my pain. I know it's selfish. I know I'm selfish.
The things I've been going through are so silly that I feel embarrassed to talk about them to my family and friends. But I'm not okay. I want them to know this, but then I don't want to impose my negativity on everyone around me.
So I keep silent. But my inner talk gets so loud sometimes that I feel like I won't be able to carry myself for too long.
Then I turn to my closed ones for reassurance. For compassion. I do feel better at those times, but deep inside, I know this reassurance is only temporary. I know I'll soon return to my internal hell again.
Then I have these fears. Fears that prevent me from being fully in the moment. I don't know how I can really go on with my life.
I hate seeing other people going with their lives. I hate seeing myself stuck in this horrible state of mind. I don't want to see other people and I don't want to spend time with myself either.
I just don't feel like myself. And I want myself back. But my old self is so out of reach.
